Episode 42 - Lindsay Saxton: From Feeling Worthless in an Abusive Marriage to Empowered & Happy

Lindsey Saxton’s strict religious upbringing raised her to be the perfect wife and mother. But something wasn’t quite right within her. She felt like there was more to life, so she broke the rules and headed back to work.

She then worked up the courage to leave her abusive marriage with 5 babies in tow. 

Lindsey shares her wisdom and lessons through it all, as well as what she’s learning now that she’s re-married and blending a family of 8 kids.

A bit more about Lindsey 👇

Lindsey is an intuitive healing facilitator, foot and face zoner, reiki certified, cosmetologist/barber, and birth doula.

Connect with Lindsey 👇

IG: https://www.instagram.com/risinghope_energydoula/

If you want to break free from the 9 to 5 or spend more time with your family, then check out this FREE webinar that goes over exactly what I'm doing to create time and financial freedom.
https://www.breakingfreewithlindsay.com/learn

If you ever have any questions or want to reach out - I'd love to connect with you. Send me a DM on Facebook (it's the best way to reach me!)

Transcript

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Lindsay Ford: Well welcome to another episode of the breaking free with Lindsay, podcast and it is a Lindsay filled day. We have Lindsay Saxton here, who is an intuitive healing facilitator. She is a mama of 8. And we're going to talk about mom stuff, so welcome to the podcast Lindsay.

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Lindsey: I will say, oh, not welcome, but thank you for welcoming me.

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Lindsey: It's good to be here.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah. So one of the things that you mentioned that really caught my eye in the form that you filled out when we were prepping for this podcast was that you were raised to be the perfect mom.

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Lindsay Ford: Wife, woman.

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Lindsay Ford: why don't you sort of take us back to how those ideas and and that formulated in you over the years.

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Lindsey: So not to like get completely stuck on religion. But I was raised very, very strict. Lds.

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Lindsey: And with that I mean, we were the family that we didn't drink caffeine. We didn't do anything on Sunday besides watch like church movies or read Scripture. We didn't do anything that interfered. If it was church, and if we like, you know, we couldn't wear tank tops. We couldn't wear short shorts. We couldn't wear 2 piece swimming suits like everything was to prepare us for a marriage in the Temple, and to just be this perfect woman of God, basically.

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Lindsey: which isn't necessarily bad. However, because of the culture and the way I was raised. It left me feeling very unfulfilled as a person, and so like even from the I mean, I can remember probably being like 6 or 7.

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Lindsey: And you know, dreaming about getting to drink coffee and have piercings and tattoos, and knowing that, like I could never do that like I could never have these desires, and so I always felt like I was, you know, a round peg in a square hole, and I just never fit.

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Lindsey: And so, as I grew and developed, you know, I really was very straight laced, and even my whole like upbringing.

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Lindsey: I dyed my hair red since I was like 13, and everyone would be like, Oh, wow, Lindsay, she's a she's got your hands full, don't you like? She's a wild child, but I never was like bad like I never drank, I never smoked, I never was promiscuous like nothing like I was just a good girl.

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Lindsey: and so it was really hard, because I always had the stigma that I was a bad person, but I was really honestly following what my mom had wanted me to do, and my mom always stayed home. And so she raised me. That that's a woman's place. A woman is not to work like it is completely wrong for you to have any real ambitions or dreams.

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Lindsey: And so, as I got married and developed into motherhood, I had 5 children in 7 years.

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Lindsey: and I can remember my 3 year old at the time she was my oldest, so I had only had just the 2 children, and was pregnant with my 3, rd

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Lindsey: and we were getting ready to go to church on Sunday, and she was like crying, she's like, Mom. I don't want to go to church like, why are we doing this?

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Lindsey: And I was like, I'm sitting there asking myself, like, I don't know why, like

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Lindsey: I, the only answer I have is cause obligation like this is what I do like. I've gone to church every Sunday my whole life.

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Lindsey: And so, anyways, that's when I really kind of started realizing that there was a disconnect, and that I really wasn't living life for myself, and that I needed to take some control back into my life.

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Lindsey: and so about A year and a half later I finally did go back to work, and I was ridiculed by everyone in my family that you know I have 4 small children. Why are you working? This is wrong? But I do hair, and so I can kind of make my own schedule.

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Lindsey: And so I went back to work. I was. I guess I was actually pregnant with my 4th baby, and my oldest was only like 4 or 5

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Lindsey: like it was an insane time of life

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Lindsey: and

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Lindsey: so, and that was kind of my 1st taste with like getting outside of my home, like I really didn't have an outside perception at this point of what life was.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: I started working in a health hair salon. And it was great. It was fun. I had adult conversations, and I was finally like, Oh, maybe I do want to explore more outside of just

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Lindsey: the box that I've lived in for so long.

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Lindsey: And so I went on. I only worked there for a few months because I ended up having my baby, and we moved, and then I went back to work when he was young, and it just gave me such an outlet and so much freedom that I was able to still be a mom and be a good wife, and I could still enjoy who I am as a person which my whole life, I'd been told. Absolutely not like. That's not in your role as a mother.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: That just kind of trickled into. I had my 5th baby, and I did go back to staying home for about 2 years, but I ended up with some really severe postpartum depression. After having 5 children in 7 years. It

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Lindsey: really took a toll on me to where I was.

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Lindsey: I got to a point where I had to have a hysterectomy as well at this time, and it really got to the point where it was just like, what's the point anymore, like, I don't have any purpose.

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Lindsey: And so I had my hysterectomy. And I decided I'm gonna get my boobs done. I'm gonna get lasik eye surgery like I'm gonna take care of me for a minute and I'm gonna go back to work.

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Lindsey: And when I went back to work like I thrived

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Lindsey: I became the breadwinner, and it was just like this, like most empowering

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Lindsey: time of my life.

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Lindsey: And as I worked I decided that I wanted to get in shape and be more physically active for my kids.

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Lindsey: And so I decided to do bodybuilding. So I did a bodybuilding competition when my youngest was only like 3 years old.

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Lindsey: and that was really, honestly like such an empowering, cool experience, because I was on stage with 19 year old girls.

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Lindsey: and here I am, 2930 years old, with 5 kids, and I'm hanging with 19 year old girls that have never had a baby.

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Lindsey: and so like it was so cool, but it finally gave me the strength to be able to say, Enough is enough, and I'm going to leave my toxic abusive marriage.

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Lindsey: and I'm gonna take care of me. And I now have the tools to be able to take care of me and my 5 kids

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Lindsey: to survive motherhood as a single mom.

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Lindsey: And so I moved out and got my own place within 6 months, and I bought everything on cash. I bought all my own furniture, my own pots and pans.

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Lindsey: like everything. And all. While I was still helping support my ex-husband. My ex husband wasn't working for the 1st like 3 months after I left him.

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Lindsey: so I was supporting him and supporting myself. And it was just like this, like

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Lindsey: I don't know. Aha! Moment of like all of this conditioning that I was raised to believe of me just being, you know. Nothing wasn't true, and so I was finally breaking all these boundaries and these barriers, and

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Lindsey: I finally did get all the tattoos and got the piercings, and did all the things, and I was like, Oh, my gosh! Like I'm finally me like I finally get to express myself in a way that

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Lindsey: feels good. And so, anyway. So I barbered, and I love barbering. That's probably my most favorite thing in the wide world.

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Lindsey: Along with my other healing stuff. But anyways, I barbered and worked for 2 years, and then I met my husband, who I'm currently married to.

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Lindsey: And now I have 3 bonus babies.

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Lindsey: and so we are. Currently have a 1716, 1514, 1311, 10, and 9 year old.

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Lindsay Ford: Wow!

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Lindsey: And

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Lindsey: yeah, it's it's insanity.

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Lindsey: And he's saying, we have 4 girls and 4 boys.

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Lindsey: And so it's the perfect mix right now of chaos and

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Lindsey: they all get along really, really well, our hardest problem is just co-parenting with our 2 ex spouses

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Lindsey: and trying to navigate how to

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Lindsey: be kind and loving, because ultimately it's only about the kids and the kids deserve the very best opportunity

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Lindsey: through all of this. And so

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Lindsey: that's where we're at currently. And we're actually expecting our 1st grandbaby.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: it's a wild, crazy.

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Lindsey: a roller coaster right now.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: Oh, okay. So I would love for you to just like, maybe take me back to

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Lindsay Ford: I'll say definitions. But like.

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Lindsay Ford: what were you raised to believe in terms of like what was a good wife and a good mother supposed to do.

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Lindsey: Okay. So the way I was raised and the I guess you could say perception I had of what a good wife and mother was, was. Your house was always spotless, so I was to clean my whole home every day.

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Lindsey: I was to do all of my children's laundry, fold it, put it away whatever make sure that dinner is always made, and to cook breakfast every single morning.

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Lindsey: and then make lunches for the family so literally to like, cook, clean and prepare meals.

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Lindsey: and that's and I mean, now I am actually almost a stay at home, mom, again. And now in this space of my life. I'm totally happy to do these things.

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Lindsey: but when it wasn't so much my choice, and it felt more like an obligation, it was undaunting.

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Lindsey: and I couldn't handle trying to keep my house clean or keep my kids fed. I mean, not that I didn't feed them, but cooking meals every day was, I was like, you can have Mac and cheese. Let's or let's, you know, throw some chicken on the grill real fast. But

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Lindsey: it wasn't like thought out, planned, prepared, or even heartfelt. It was just more like

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Lindsey: fine. We'll eat.

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Lindsay Ford: Right. And then you worked before kids. I'm assuming, like in hair or in.

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Lindsey: I actually didn't ever do hair before I had graduated hair school and got married like the day after I graduated hair school, and so, while I was getting my licensing all taken care of, I just worked as an office manager.

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Lindsey: and then by time I got my licensing I had my 1st baby

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Lindsey: so.

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Lindsay Ford: So. But hair was like.

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Lindsay Ford: was it a passion of yours in the beginning, or was it just something to do like.

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Lindsey: Oh, no, I've wanted to do hair since I was like. I can remember going when my little brother got his 1st haircut when he was like 2,

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Lindsey: and I was probably like 6, and I remember at that moment being like, yep, that's what I want to do for my whole life like I just want to do hair.

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Lindsey: And so throughout my whole life, like for proms or homecomings, I did all my friends hair my sister's hair.

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Lindsey: and then I'd hurry and throw my hair up at the last minute and get ready, you know, before we left for our date. So

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Lindsey: doing hair has always been a passion.

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Lindsay Ford: Okay. So that makes sense that you. That's what you went into after you had your second. You said when you're.

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Lindsey: I was pregnant actually with my first.st So yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: Pregnant with her sorry, losing track, following the details.

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Lindsay Ford: And then what was the discussion with your husband at the time about you going to work, cause I'm assuming he was raised.

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Lindsay Ford: maybe similar to you, where he wanted his wife to stay at home.

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Lindsey: Yeah, it was actually funny, because he told me one time, he's like, I'm a 19 fifties kind of man, and I expect my meals brought to me, and I expect my house clean, and I expect my wife to be in the home.

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Lindsey: And I was like, Okay, if you're a 19 fifties kind of man. Then you would also respect me and do the things that a 19 fifties kind of man would do, which you're not doing. And at the time we were struggling financially, and he was refusing to go back to work

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Lindsey: or like to get a second job. And so I was like, Well, you can either get a second job or I'm going to go to work.

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Lindsey: And so I so I went to work, and I kind of at that point took it out of innocence discussion

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Lindsey: because he wasn't willing to listen or cooperate in any way, shape or form, anyway.

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Lindsey: But at that point. That's honestly, probably when our marriage got really bad, just because he constantly thought I was gonna have an affair on him, anyway.

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Lindsey: And so then, for me to be a barber.

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Lindsey: He was just like, Oh, who's calling you now? Who's are you texting your boyfriend? And I'm just like dude. It's work like I'm scheduling clients so we can come get their hair cut.

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Lindsey: you know.

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Lindsay Ford: Right.

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Lindsey: And so it was hard, because while I'm enjoying my passion of getting to do this.

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Lindsey: I'm being looked down upon still for leaving the home and working in a career where

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Lindsey: I talk to men for 8 HA day.

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Lindsey: which it's like, I mean, if you think about it, a men's haircut literally takes 20 min. So it's not like I'm having all these lavish 3 h conversations with one man like.

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Lindsay Ford: Right.

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Lindsey: It's in and out. And so it was really difficult on our marriage that he didn't trust me. Even after we had 5 kids together like

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Lindsey: it wasn't just.

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Lindsey: you know. It takes 2 to tango.

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Lindsay Ford: It takes 2 to tango, and I love

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Lindsay Ford: I love what you just said there about like you were like doing something that you were passionate about that was feeling really really good to you, and at the same time you almost have this like cloud over you, of just saying like. Don't do it. Get back back home gear. I don't know. All of the things like don't even try. And I feel like

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Lindsay Ford: that, like opposition or that like, you know, you saw it in between yourself and your ex-husband, but like so often, that is the narrative going on in our heads as we're trying to do something new of just like wanting to go for it. And also the talk in our heads of just like play. Small don't like. Who are you to try like? Go back to where it's comfortable? Right? I think that just it's a beautiful

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Lindsay Ford: illustration.

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Lindsay Ford: I want to come back to

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Lindsay Ford: the discussion you had with your daughter when she was 3 about church, and how she.

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Lindsey: So.

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Lindsay Ford: Just asking.

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Lindsay Ford: why are you? Why are we going to church? And you couldn't answer? And I think our kids get to be these beautiful mirrors for us, reflecting like what we're not willing to see inside of us.

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Lindsey: Yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: So what did that conversation do to you in terms of your

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Lindsay Ford: devotion to going to church and or religion like? Did it shift things inside of you in that respect.

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Lindsey: At that moment. I don't think I think it began the shift. But at that moment I wasn't in a space, emotionally or mentally to be able to do anything other than what I just knew to do.

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Lindsey: But I did end up stepping away from church

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Lindsey: in about 2,000

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Lindsey: 18,

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Lindsey: and I stepped away for about 6 years. But but I mean it was still all of these things like the reason I took so long to step away was because my my daughter got baptized. Then my son got baptized, and and so it was like, How do I tell my family? I'm not going to get my kid baptized

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Lindsey: because it it's like a huge family event that they all know. Oh, this year they turn 8. They're going to get baptized.

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Lindsey: And so it was so hard, because it was like, How do I tell my family? And so

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Lindsey: it took me having my 3rd child baptized.

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Lindsey: and that's when I would just slowly just left the church, because after he was baptized, I was like, well, no one needs to know what I'm doing now no one needs to know, because I have 2 years before my next child is of age, you know. So it was finally kind of like this gap in my family where it was like, okay, I can take my step away. But my 1st 3 kids, they're

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Lindsey: 14 or 2 years apart, and then 14 months apart. So they all just came so fast that it was kind of like I just

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Lindsey: I was holding on for dear life, you know, and and at the time in my life with I mean yes, she had asked that, and I had had that conversation over and over again in my head of like. Why am I doing this? Because, you know, for me going to church.

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Lindsey: It was honestly, probably more at the time, a social thing that I had a community, and I had people that you know we could do play dates together, or you know they have, like women's nights where you go and enjoy other women in the church, and you know so it was honestly at that point more of a community that I honestly don't know if I would have survived

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Lindsey: had I stepped away at when my daughter was 3 years old, just because

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Lindsey: we moved a lot, and so

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Lindsey: we were always in a new town with new people, and I can't imagine how I would have adapted, or even the kids, had I not had a church community to be able to say, Oh, hey! We're new! Here. Hurry! Come, be my friend.

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Lindsey: you know. But it definitely did create a lot of just why am I going out of obligation like, where's the meaning of going to church?

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah. And what religion did you say it was? Again.

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Lindsey: Lds. So the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

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Lindsay Ford: Okay.

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Lindsay Ford: Mormon. So okay, so what did? What was it?

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Lindsay Ford: then

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Lindsay Ford: that made you like when your 3rd child was baptized and you stepped away from the church?

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Lindsay Ford: Maybe not. What what made you do it? But what was your

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Lindsay Ford: what was your faith like after that like? How did things shift for you after that.

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Lindsey: It was. It was really really hard. At 1st I was mad, and I was like, I don't need God. I don't need anything. I don't need any kind of spiritual

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Lindsey: hired being. I'm just mad. And so I completely left everything I knew and abandoned everything. And this was right at the time. This was like in 2018 2019, and so I had been preparing for my bodybuilding competition at this point in my life.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: I like. I said I abandoned everything I knew, but I still felt

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Lindsey: maybe a spirituality, but I didn't really know how to express it, or what to connect it to.

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Lindsey: And so, after a few months, I did decide that I believed in God, or, you know, a higher divine being

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Lindsey: that guides us. And so that's kind of what I leaned on, as I, you know, went through. And and it was really kind of cool, just because I know in a lot of religions, you know you're taught kind of just to pray and to address God or Jesus, or whatever, and that you have this like just set kind of prayer.

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Lindsey: whereas when I was going through all of this, I learned more to just be like, Okay, what am I supposed to be doing like and trying to listen more to universe to help guide me. And I learned to kind of listen more to like, oh, wow! Lindsay just called me like. That's exactly what I needed like. So someone is out there helping direct and connect and

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Lindsey: bring different people into my life.

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Lindsey: And so I was still remained spiritual. I just did it in a different way. That worked better for my system, so that I could find the clarity within myself of who am I? What do I believe, and who do I want to be?

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Lindsey: Versus who I'm supposed to be and expected to be.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah, there's a big difference there. And were you still married at this time.

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Lindsey: Yeah. So I was married when so I like, I say, I did my competition in 2019. And then, shortly after my competition around October, November, I told my husband I was like, I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore.

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Lindsey: I'm tired of, you know the constant back and forth fighting, and it's just not healthy. And so

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Lindsey: he promised he would get counseling, and that we could try and fix our marriage.

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Lindsey: and

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Lindsey: the problem is, is like I had known since, like 2017, that I needed a divorce.

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Lindsey: And so by this point I had already pretty much emotionally checked out

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Lindsey: and I knew it just wasn't going to work long term. And so he we did go to a few counseling sessions. But he was actually diagnosed as narcissistic.

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Lindsey: and or at least I don't know if they have, like a spectrum, so to speak, but at least on the spectrum of having that.

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Lindsey: and so that made it very difficult. And so I actually stayed with him until April.

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Lindsey: and of 2020. And so I left right in the middle of the pandemic, and

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Lindsey: that was that was difficult. But the one thing I have to say about going into all of this is, since I knew I was going to be getting divorced.

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Lindsey: Instead of studying like a New Year's resolution. At the end of the year I decided to set words to live by.

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Lindsey: and so I chose, happy and positive.

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Lindsey: and, as we all know, with the pandemic in general, I mean, it was a difficult time of life, I mean

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Lindsey: my daughter, who's my second oldest. She was 10 at the time, and she ended up with appendicitis in February.

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Lindsey: and so she had surgery, and she just wasn't healing.

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Lindsey: And so we ended up taking her to Primary Children's Hospital, and she got there. They said she had gastroenteritis, so they just put her on a bunch of fluids and hydrated her, sent her back home. Now we're in at 2 weeks still not healing, still sick.

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Lindsey: So about like 3 in the morning. One day I take her into the hospital. We lived in vernal Utah.

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Lindsey: and they have a huge opioid drug problem there, so they will not give you any type of pain. Medication.

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Lindsey: unless you are like. Have a prescription from a doctor. So here, my little 10 year old girl, is, I mean writhing in pain. She is horrid pain, and they won't give her anything. And finally they do a Ct. Scan and find an abscess the size of a cantaloupe in her abdomen.

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Lindsey: And so they said, That's been like labor for her for 2 weeks. And I'm like any of us moms. Can you imagine 2 weeks of labor

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Lindsey: and my daughter's 10.

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Lindsey: And so they finally started pushing Meds at that point.

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Lindsey: But they ended up making us go by ambulance, because they said if she were to rupture she'd probably die instantly, because it was such a large abscess. So anyway, so on top of I mean all the craziness. Then we had this experience in the mix of it

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Lindsey: and

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Lindsey: anyways, and then online school. So it was. It was a rough year.

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Lindsey: to say the least.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah, no kidding. That's a lot going on

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Lindsay Ford: all at once.

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Lindsay Ford: One thing that jumped into my mind, as you were saying, like you had already checked out like a couple of years before. I remember talking to my a friend of mine a few years ago, who does counseling of some kind, and she's like women often stay way longer than

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Lindsay Ford: I'll say then they should, but like they will sort of do everything, and then make the decision to leave, and just like they'll they'll be mentally checked out before. And then, when sort of the men sort of realize there is a problem or like it, comes to a critical point for them like the the woman's already.

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Lindsay Ford: It's already checked out because she feels she's done absolutely everything possible at that point.

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Lindsay Ford: As you were going through this separation divorce process sort of leading up to the decision to leave because you you obviously knew it was what was best for you.

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Lindsay Ford: What was coming up for you in terms of like what was best for the kids.

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Lindsey: At that point. I honestly just wanted to get my kids away from him. He! I'm not gonna say he's a bad dad. I don't. I mean he shows up he's there. He's always paid his child support, you know. I mean, he's supportive. However emotionally it had gotten to the point where, like there was one day that

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Lindsey: I was trying to go to lunch with a friend

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Lindsey: and my little boy. He was 5. He's my youngest, and he needed to go to kindergarten. He had afternoon kindergarten.

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Lindsey: and so his dad was supposed to take him to kindergarten in about an hour after I left, and he was crying and running out the door chasing me. And I was like, Hey, Buddy, you know Daddy's gonna take you to school like it's gonna be okay.

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Lindsey: And like he grabbed my little boy like very aggressively, and was just like, well, if you weren't such a baby we wouldn't have these problems. And you could just, you know, shut up and stop crying. And

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Lindsey: and so it was all that kind of stuff that it was just like, I don't even want my kids to see you because

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Lindsey: you were this way when I was present. So what are you going to do and say when I'm not there.

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Lindsey: and so it was very, very hard, and I can remember a friend telling me like, when I did finally leave, that in order to have any type of healthy relationship ever you have to let it all burn to the ground.

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Lindsey: and it has to burn down. Get ugly, get nasty, and then you can come back, and you can start to rebuild and let something beautiful grow.

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Lindsey: And so it was. It was pretty ugly and nasty, I mean, the abuse continued especially towards me, because I had such a good clientele out there and out in the rest of the world, because Vernal's kind of a smaller isolated town.

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Lindsey: and so when I went out, I went and lived with my mom and Morgan. Well, before I got my house

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Lindsey: they were shut down. You could only work fast food.

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Lindsey: And so I did get a job working fast food. But I was going back to Vernal every weekend to do hair.

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Lindsey: And so, anyways, when I'd go back to Vernal, I had to stay at his house. I didn't have any other option.

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Lindsey: and so it was very difficult, because I would go back. And I mean if I wasn't at work, he was just tormenting me.

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Lindsey: And then he'd say to the kids like, See kids. Now, mom's gonna come like and like, manipulate the situation to where, like, I would have to go spend family time with them.

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Lindsey: And so it was just. It was very, very difficult, because if he's treating me this way and like, I said how he was treating my kids in my presence, what's he going to do or say when I'm not around.

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Lindsay Ford: Right.

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Lindsey: And

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Lindsey: so we went through that for probably about 6 months. And then it was just like, Nope, I'm gonna get a hotel, or I just won't come because it wasn't worth

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Lindsey: my sanity. And then for the kids to see Mom crying, bawling her eyes out all the time like it wasn't good for anyone.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah, so were they. Were they living with him then, at that point, or with your your they were back and forth with.

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Lindsey: Yeah, they were just back and forth.

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Lindsey: Yeah, I say, they primarily lived with me. But they did do the back and forth

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Lindsey: as far as like every other weekend

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Lindsey: so, and I mean and it's hard like my oldest daughter. She was 13, and by time she was 14 she really didn't want anything to do with her dad anymore.

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Lindsey: She had felt the emotional abuse from him so heavily, especially when I went back to work

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Lindsey: that she was just like, I'm done, Mom, like I can't handle him anymore.

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Lindsey: And now that we're 4 years post divorce, 3 of my kids don't go and see their dad anymore.

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Lindsey: They've all kind of started to see like I don't like the way he treats us. I don't like the way he treats you like. It's just not worth it.

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Lindsay Ford: Right?

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah. And it's hard when you want to like, protect your kids from that. But they obviously

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Lindsay Ford: he's still their dad. And yeah, when they're old enough they can start to make those decisions for themselves.

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Lindsey: Yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: It's.

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Lindsay Ford: I imagine it was harder when they were younger when

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Lindsay Ford: they had to go

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Lindsay Ford: see them. Yeah. And as a mom like, what were you?

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Lindsay Ford: What were you experiencing when you were sending your kids to to see him then in terms of like your emotions and your like? I don't know. Were you conflicted.

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Lindsey: There were just oh, I mean so many emotions, cause I mean, you know you have your 1st Christmas alone, and so there's all of those kinds of emotions, of that deep kind of grief.

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Lindsey: of things that you don't know. You're gonna grieve, you know. You don't know when you go into a divorce. How difficult it's gonna be to spend a holiday alone.

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Lindsey: And so I mean, so I had those kinds of emotions and grief, while, on the other hand.

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Lindsey: when I, you know, would send my kids and say they were struggling with something

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Lindsey: like it was like always like, almost like 10 times worse up there like they would come home and have so much more like trouble transitioning.

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Lindsey: And so it was very difficult to just

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Lindsey: navigate, especially because I never wanted to be the mom that was like, well, your dad, this, and your dad that, and your dad's horrible. And well, I know your Dad said this like I've always tried very hard not to speak ill of him in front of the children, and so

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Lindsey: it's been hard to help them with their emotions without speaking ill of their dad.

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Lindsey: And so it's been kind of a tough position to be in, to want to advocate for them.

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Lindsey: but yet not say, Well, yeah, your dad's a jerk, like, I know.

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Lindsey: And so I've always made my kids

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Lindsey: have the conversation with their dad. So like, if there's something they don't want to go to say like a birthday party or something, and it's on his weekend.

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Lindsey: I've always had made them say you need to have the conversation, and if your dad, you know, doesn't listen, or you feel like you need help, I'll always be there to back you up.

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Lindsey: But ultimately this is your relationship with your dad, and so I don't want it to come from me that I'm just trying to keep you kids away from him. I want it to be your conversation and your decision, but I will support you in whatever that decision is. And so

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Lindsey: that's where I mean with my older kids. They've all had those hard conversations of saying, Dad, you do this, and you do this, and remember the time you did this. And you said this, and this is how it made me feel. And then I've been there to say, no, Jason, you need to listen. Just listen.

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Lindsey: and it's it's been very difficult, especially because at this point I'm fully advocating for the kids.

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Lindsey: You know, I don't care at this point. If it's not a healthy relationship. It's not worth having.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: it's hard.

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Lindsay Ford: Well, I I think it's really smart of you to help the kids have those conversations because you're right there. It's it's their relationship with their dad, and they need to learn how to

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Lindsay Ford: navigate him. And then whatever relationships come up in the future,

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Lindsey: Right.

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Lindsay Ford: And I imagine

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Lindsay Ford: you know I I have an ex-husband, and we share kids and

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Lindsay Ford: he's a lovely guy. I don't always agree with how he is raising them. But I do see

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Lindsay Ford: I I also share the belief that I'm not like. I'm not gonna say anything bad about him, but it is hard to navigate when they're struggling with something that is such an obvious

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Lindsay Ford: issue that you've seen over and over again in a pattern. It's like you kind of just like want to point it out to them. And and I mean, sometimes I try to, in a very loving way of just like, yeah, this is what we're dealing with. And and I try to do that with me as well of like, here's our. Here's my,

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Lindsay Ford: you know my issues as well. But why don't we? Why don't we take the the story of it forward? So? You're a single mom.

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Lindsay Ford: By yourself. What does

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Lindsay Ford: you know what I I was? Gonna ask what that that's like. But honestly, I'm curious how dating goes with that.

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Lindsay Ford: That's where I want to jump to.

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Lindsey: How are you?

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Lindsay Ford: How do you date with so many young kids

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Lindsay Ford: or youngish.

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Lindsey: Well, you know honestly.

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Lindsey: I hate to say that he was even my boyfriend, because he honestly wasn't.

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Lindsey: But I started dating a client of mine shortly after I left my husband.

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Lindsey: But he lived in Bernal. He was a truck driver, so I only saw him like honestly. In 2 years. I only saw him like

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Lindsey: maybe 10 times

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Lindsey: so I wouldn't say he's really a boyfriend, so, anyways. But my point with that is that

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Lindsey: He kept my mind occupied to where I wasn't just going on dates all the time with random men.

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Lindsay Ford: Right.

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Lindsey: And so but with that like, when I did go on dates, I would like go on a lunch date while my kids were at school, and I was at work. I didn't let men come to my house because I didn't want one them to know where I lived, and then 2. I didn't want my kids being like, Oh, great! Here she goes again.

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Lindsay Ford: Right.

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Lindsey: And so I honestly only probably went on, maybe 15 dates in 2 years.

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Lindsey: just because I was like, I'm not

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Lindsey: I I especially where I was a barber. I had many men, clients who were divorced, and like one of my good friends. That's a client that was a client. He

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Lindsey: He has 3 little kids and gosh!

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Lindsey: In probably the 4 years I knew him, maybe maybe 7 years, I guess. But I bet you he introduced 10 to 15 women to his kids

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Lindsey: as like a girlfriend. And I was just like your kids have got to be so confused. They don't know if these women are coming or going.

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Lindsey: And so, after like watching that I was like, I'm not doing that to my kids like once I have a desire. And I know, like he's gonna be the one. Then I'll introduce my kids. But I was like, absolutely not me and my ex-husband kind of did have that agreement, too, that until it was someone we were serious about, that, we wouldn't introduce them to our children.

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Lindsey: or even really talk about it. And so I didn't like. I said I didn't really date a lot. I kept it quiet when I did just cause, and I mean and I know they say that you need like 18 months to 2 years to heal from a divorce.

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Lindsey: And so, honestly, more than anything I I did do that.

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Lindsey: And I did do a lot of energy work. I had a energy therapist, a life coach, a traditional therapist, a true trauma therapist

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Lindsey: like I did so. Tons of tons of healing, and then, like, I say, my like 15 dates.

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Lindsey: And then I met my husband.

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Lindsey: and we got married pretty quick.

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Lindsey: But

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Lindsey: when I met him like I knew it was.

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Lindsey: I'm so sorry. Lay down.

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Lindsey: I don't.

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Lindsey: Okay. Sorry

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Lindsey: but I met him, and I I knew like instantly that he was

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Lindsey: who I was supposed to be with.

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Lindsey: and so I didn't really waste any time introducing him to the kids. I did have him call my ex-husband, just so that my ex-husband knew like kind of

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Lindsey: this is who I am.

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Lindsey: So that my ex-husband felt comfortable with my boyfriend.

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Lindsey: But up until that point there hadn't been anyone introduced or

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Lindsey: involved.

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Lindsay Ford: I love. I love it. When you say you just knew I felt like that with my with my 1st husband, and I'm hoping for that second

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Lindsay Ford: because I do. I do believe that.

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Lindsay Ford: That we come into this life knowing.

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Lindsay Ford: I guess, who we

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Lindsay Ford: we'll end up with or like. We have some agreements in place of who we will end up, and I do believe that sometimes we can just recognize them when they show up in our life. So you met him, and you said it was quick. And now you are blending together a family with 5 of your own kids, 3 of his kids and co-parenting and all that. What has it been like

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Lindsay Ford: blending the kids and introducing the kids to each other and saying, like, hey? We're gonna be

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Lindsay Ford: a family. Now, what was that process like? I have not got there in my in my story yet.

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Lindsey: You know what in all honesty, as far as the kids go, it's amazing like it's beautiful. They're all best friends.

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Lindsey: His kids.

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Lindsey: They don't. They're not like close in age, because they're 16, 4, 13, and 9.

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Lindsey: So I mean they're not far apart, but they're more spread than mine. And so for his kids, they've never really had those close familial, you know, bickering, I mean, they're siblings. So they still fight. But they're it's not like my chaos.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah.

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Lindsey: And so

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Lindsey: so it's been fun because they've meshed really well, like my 13 year old girl and my 15 year old girl. They're like best friends.

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Lindsey: and the 13 year old girl also really likes my 14 year old boy. So those 3 are all kind of best friends, and then my 9 year old little girl thinks it's the greatest thing that she has all these big brothers, and she just absolutely loves having all these big brothers

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Lindsey: and it's unfortunate because our 16 year old son, he was amazing the 1st few weeks, and he loved it. I think he really loved having some little brothers, because he only had the 2 little sisters.

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Lindsey: Unfortunately, his mother got to him and convinced him that he didn't need his dad anymore.

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Lindsey: and so unfortunately, we don't see him near as often as we would like. But

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Lindsey: It's getting better.

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Lindsey: And so that's honestly been the biggest trial is, you know. Now, like I've learned how to navigate with my ex-husband like cause we've been divorced for, you know, even 2 years leading up to this. But my husband.

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Lindsey: He was actually the one that checked out in his marriage.

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Lindsey: and so he was ready for divorce and ready to move on far before she was.

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Lindsey: And so we actually got married

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Lindsey: 4 months after he got divorced.

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Lindsey: I didn't realize it was that close. So so I think she was still pretty bitter when she got married when we got married. And so she tried to turn all the kids against us.

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Lindsey: And like she told my husband, she said, you're gonna be better off if you just sign over your parental rights for the kids.

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Lindsey: And it was just like Whoa, that's a bit extreme, like he's still their dad.

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Lindsey: And so that's honestly been our biggest trial is just making sure that his kids always feel welcome here.

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Lindsey: and so like in our home, like all the kids, have their own bed.

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Lindsey: and, like Kennedy, she's our 13 year old, and Emma is my 15 year old, and so they share a room.

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Lindsey: and like it's decorated for both of them, even though Kennedy only comes to visit. She still has her bed, her decorations, and then Kingsley, who's 9, and my daughter Liz, who's 17. They share a room, and so like she has all of her decorations like she has her own bed like. So we've tried to make it very like Homey that they always know I have a bed at Dad's house. I can go anytime I want.

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Lindsey: and we do have a bed for his oldest son. However, he's never come, so we just decided to do a trundle, just because it's like it's not really fair for my boys to have a bed that we know.

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Lindsey: 98% isn't going to get used.

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Lindsey: But there's always a space for him here. Should he choose to want to be a part.

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Lindsey: so, as far as the kids go, they get along well, it's just hard navigating. The you know, what's going on at home, and what's being said that we can't control.

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Lindsay Ford: So if you could look back and give if there's someone else. Well, okay, let's

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Lindsay Ford: let me rephrase this. If you could look back and give your

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Lindsay Ford: maybe 20 year old self some advice.

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Lindsay Ford: What would you tell her.

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Lindsey: Oh, it's okay to have a voice

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Lindsey: like your voice is your most important gift. And

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Lindsey: Mo, honestly, I would say, probably at least 75% of us don't know how to use it.

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Lindsey: And our voice, what I've learned, especially through my healing process is your boundaries.

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Lindsey: It's who you are. It's what you're okay with.

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Lindsey: And it's learning to speak freely for yourself, not because your mom thinks this, your dad, your culture, your religion.

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Lindsey: It doesn't matter? What do you feel? What do you think and like, I know for me, too, with

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Lindsey: follow my upbringing. I was always a yes person.

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Lindsey: If you asked me. Yes, yes, I'll cut your hair. Yes, I'll babysit your kids. Yes, I'll you know, bring you groceries or dinner, or it didn't matter, and it didn't matter what I had going on in my life. It was yes, and so, learning how to take back my

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Lindsey: or take my voice and under my control and to be able to be in control of my life.

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Lindsey: Has been probably the biggest lesson that I've learned that I wish I would have understood

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Lindsey: earlier, because I mean and like I say, I've just learned that

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Lindsey: through speaking I have boundaries. I have a say I get to express myself like it's so much more than just well, I told him I didn't want to do it.

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Lindsey: Well, yeah, but you're still doing it. So why are you doing it because you didn't hold your boundary, you know, and so, being able to have all of that encompassing to have the.

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Lindsey: you know power of yours.

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Lindsey: you know, our power is so

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Lindsey: amazing when it's used correctly.

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Lindsay Ford: Yeah, I love that because I feel like so many of us have forgotten

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Lindsay Ford: to use our voice and to advocate for ourselves and to like boundaries is a huge thing for a lot of women.

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Lindsay Ford: Setting boundaries for themselves and saying, No, I. This is actually how I want to be treated. This is actually

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Lindsay Ford: What I want for myself, or or just know, just just know. I don't actually want to do that.

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Lindsey: Hi.

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Lindsay Ford: Which I think actually like a lot of men. Have an easier time. That's obviously a very general statement, but I feel like.

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Lindsay Ford: at least in the relationships I've been in and I've seen. I feel like men have a easier time saying like, No, this is what I want, and and advocating for themselves, and I think that's been conditioned out of us a lot, as women.

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Lindsey: Yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: So I so I love. I love that you shared that. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for sharing so much about your your life, your personal life.

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Lindsay Ford: I know there's a lot of.

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Lindsay Ford: There's a lot of little lessons in in your story, and I just really really appreciate you sharing today. So thank you so much for.

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Lindsey: Yes, thank you. I enjoyed it.