Episode 55 - Sujala Shastry: The Hidden Journey of Grief

After losing her mother at the age of 11, Sujala went into a period of grief that lasted decades --- the catch though, was that she didn’t realize what she was in. 

High-functioning anxiety, numbness, disassociation, feeling like she wasn’t experiencing life like everyone else… it wasn’t until she was in her 30’s where she started to piece together what was happening to her.

This is a heart-felt episode that I’m sure you’ll feel deeply.

More about Sujala👇

An expat, soon to be podcast host, student @‌36 after 14 years of gap of studying, mom, traveller, self-healer. A griever of 25+ years, survivor of emotional trauma, dealt with high functioning anxiety, brain fog, loneliness... but, embracing life with grit and grace!

Connect with Sujala Shastry👇

Blog:https://medleytales.wordpress.com/

Podcast: https://rss.com/podcasts/discovering-journeys/

IG: https://www.instagram.com/discovering.journeys/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61568525481635

Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sujala-shastry/

If you want to break free from the 9 to 5 or spend more time with your family, then check out this FREE webinar that goes over exactly what I'm doing to create time and financial freedom.
https://www.breakingfreewithlindsay.com/learn

If you ever have any questions or want to reach out - I'd love to connect with you. Send me a DM on Facebook (it's the best way to reach me!)

Transcript

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Lindsay Ford: All right. I have sujala with me here today. Welcome to this podcast sujala.

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sujala: Thank you for having me today.

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Lindsay Ford: All right. You are a podcast, host. You are a mom. You have moved from India to France. You have dealt with grief. You are a self healer.

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Lindsay Ford: you have a fascinating story that we're gonna dive into, and we're gonna talk about what it was like for you to move through

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Lindsay Ford: that grief and that survival mode because you were in it for a long time, and you were grappling with emotions and experiences you couldn't fully understand. And I know you've been on this self healing journey for about the past 6 years. So why don't you walk us through what has transpired

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Lindsay Ford: over that? You know, lengthy time period, but it's you know, it's it's always so interesting for me to hear stories about.

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Lindsay Ford: You know the realness of that that people are experiencing, and then how we're, you know, breaking free from those.

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Lindsay Ford: I'll say stories. But those experiences that you know for part parts of our life do end up defining us, but then they don't need to define us. So why don't you walk us through your story?

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sujala: Yeah. Thank you for the space.

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sujala: I think I should start by saying I lost my mom when I was really young. I was 11 years old.

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sujala: So after that my life fell apart.

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sujala: because at one day they were everything was taken care of.

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sujala: and the other day there was nothing

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sujala: there I couldn't I couldn't. I couldn't even find my clothes where they are. I it was just left.

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sujala: So it was like from one to 0. Absolutely so to taken at that time at 11 years old, was life changing. I am no longer a person. What I was in the 1st 11 years of my life.

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sujala: because it changes you, and in another 2 to 3 years I would be a teenager, and as it is, a teenager would go through, you know, a range of emotions. Body changes, hormonal changes, identity, figuring it out so many aspects. But all these things just took a turn

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sujala: for me

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sujala: so. It was very, very hard. I think. My 1st reaction was

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sujala: I froze

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sujala: my head, understood that my mother died.

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sujala: but my other parts of my life has to keep moving, but it couldn't move. I froze

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sujala: so initially. There are people around you

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sujala: to, at least for the 1st 1520 days, because the news is a shock for the friends and the family, and the extended families as well.

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sujala: so they are very sympathetic, and everything. But I think the real journey starts, I think, after the 1520 days.

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sujala: because you're left with

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sujala: white.

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sujala: and nobody can fill that void

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sujala: because it's your mother, and you have a good relationship with her in those 1st 11 years. So it's

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sujala: more than heartbreaking. It is like the cluelessness, confusion, the deep agony, misery. It's all everything.

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sujala: I I think I sub. And then I think one of the major thing was

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sujala: nobody helped me emotionally to navigate my grief.

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sujala: So this what happened, and which led me to be in the survival mode

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sujala: like you're just surviving. You're just doing day to day stuff

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sujala: without feeling, without thinking.

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sujala: without knowing whether you like to do it. You don't like to do it.

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sujala: You have to go to school, you have to come back, you finish your homeworks. You read for your test. You get ready. You go here, you go there! That's it. You're just surviving. You're not living.

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sujala: And unfortunately, I did not know this

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sujala: for 20 years after my mom passed away.

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sujala: So it was after 20 years.

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sujala: I was like, Oh.

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sujala: something is not okay.

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sujala: I have felt so many things.

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sujala: and that is, when I started

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sujala: to understand myself that

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sujala: what happened? Why am I like this?

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sujala: Why is it I'm not able to enjoy something. Why is it?

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sujala: Why I feel so disconnected from so many things.

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sujala: I used to feel this constantly when I was

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sujala: studying.

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sujala: when I was being with my friends, when I was being with my family. There was this disconnection

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sujala: because the consequences of survival mode led to so many things. It was a plethora of

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sujala: all the things you should. I don't think anybody should go through

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sujala: so

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sujala: it it was like high functioning, anxiety.

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sujala: dissociation, brain fog.

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sujala: disconnectedness.

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sujala: loneliness.

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sujala: and a sense of

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sujala: I don't know sense of not being, you know.

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sujala: sense of not being there. In the true space.

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sujala: So these were all the consequences, and I used to have panic attacks, and I used to think I was not able to able to handle my stress.

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sujala: So everything led to one another all the suppressed emotions. There were so many things that when I think about it, I wonder, how did I survive?

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sujala: You know? It's it's shocking to me because I was unaware. I was just running.

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sujala: you know, like a motor on okay. Morning. Get up. Get ready study.

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sujala: That's it.

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sujala: Because it was those many. It was those years. It was not that I was working, or anything.

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sujala: so if I had lost my mother, maybe at 25 or something, it would be totally different.

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sujala: But losing at such an age, such a turning point. Everybody changes. You know you change as a you are no longer a child. You're you're going to be an young adult. So when that time it happens.

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sujala: everything crippled for me

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sujala: and I, my nervous system was dysregulated, and everything and all these things I learned in my thirties

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sujala: after being in 20 years in survival mode.

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sujala: So now I can explain that time I wasn't even aware of it.

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sujala: So yeah, that has been the

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sujala: big, big like knock on my door of oh.

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sujala: oh, I was like this, you know.

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sujala: It's like what really, for 20 years it was a shock.

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sujala: It was an awareness. But I had to pass through these 2 stages to actually start to heal myself.

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sujala: because you cannot heal from something which you don't understand.

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sujala: You just cannot heal. You will heal from what?

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sujala: So for you to need to. You need to understand yourself.

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sujala: and you need to understand where it came from.

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sujala: So

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sujala: it was very emotionally it was, and eventually it was a traumatic event, and the consequences just add, you know, added to it.

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sujala: So you can say it was a huge emotional trauma. I had to deal with it.

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sujala: And

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sujala: yeah, that's how. In fact, if I have to give you like a gist of a summary. This is what it would be.

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Lindsay Ford: Well, yeah, even just, you know, sharing that you're you lost your mother at 11, and I'm thinking, like my daughter is. She's 10 and a half so like around the same age, and

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Lindsay Ford: the emotional capacity of an 11 year old.

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sujala: Yes.

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Lindsay Ford: Like a lot of adults, would struggle with losing their parents, and to not be like at that age.

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Lindsay Ford: you know, you're high functioning enough, and probably, like you found through your teenage years, you could function

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Lindsay Ford: But the the emotional awareness and the sense of you know what is, I'll say normal for lack of a better word.

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Lindsay Ford: like you don't. You don't have. You don't have all the words to put to your emotions. You don't know that it's even safe to feel emotions depending on how you're raised.

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Lindsay Ford: you don't understand all the coping mechanisms or the like sort of those automatic

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Lindsay Ford: coping mechanisms. And then, you know, you talked about panic attacks and anxiety, and

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Lindsay Ford: just like, you know, we thought you're just not dealing with stress. Well, like that's your body screaming at you, trying to get your attention. But most of us don't. I would say most of us, even in our adult. You're still don't understand that that piece of it, and then to go through it

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Lindsay Ford: as you're entering your teenage years like there's

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Lindsay Ford: it's such. It's such a pivotal moment. You're right. There's so many changes, and especially like as a young girl losing her mom, you're going through all of the bodily changes and emotions. And

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Lindsay Ford: yeah, I could see how that would be

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Lindsay Ford: such a

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Lindsay Ford: well, I don't even want to use the word traumatic. I know you use that. But just you know I could see how that would have such a ripple effect at that particular age like it's different than at age 4. And it's different at age 25. And it's not that losing your parent is easy at that time, but like that, like cusp age where you're turning into a woman.

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Lindsay Ford: And then that woman role model central in your life just disappears.

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Lindsay Ford: So when you were so you got to your thirties like 20 years later. Was there a moment like, what was it that started to shift in you where you were? Just like

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Lindsay Ford: sort of realizing that there was either you use the word disconnected, but like

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Lindsay Ford: where you started to like, understand that you needed to do some work on yourself. You needed to start paying attention like what was going on in your life at that time, if you remember, like what

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Lindsay Ford: what shifted in you to sort of make that pivot towards start healing, and just sort of shake yourself out of it.

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sujala: Yeah, I love this question because many people think that pausing

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sujala: is wrong.

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sujala: But

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sujala: the pause in my life happened when I moved to India to France. So till that time I was in school.

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sujala: 11, th and 12th college working it was continuous mode.

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sujala: but when I got married, and when I moved to France.

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sujala: I had nothing to do.

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sujala: so I love. When somebody says

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sujala: I'm pausing, I'm taking a break. I love it

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sujala: because

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sujala: it just gives you a sense of what's happening with you.

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sujala: good or bad.

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sujala: it doesn't matter.

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sujala: Sometimes all of us are so much behind running behind titles, money, you know, material things, traveling and everything. Sometimes we fail to pause. I'm very careful about using the word pause and not stop.

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sujala: You know you just have to pause.

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sujala: You just have to be self-aware, and I think, coming to France.

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sujala: I did not have the

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sujala: social life what I used to have.

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sujala: I was newly married less than a month after getting married. I was in France.

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sujala: so it was a new language, new country, and I'm a vegetarian. So being there in France was not easy.

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sujala: so it was so many things happening, it was complete shift for me.

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sujala: and during the day I I was not working. I did not plan to study immediately, and things like that. So

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sujala: it really gave me the time to reflect that.

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sujala: Why do I react in a certain way?

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sujala: Why, that certain things bother me.

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sujala: Why, smallest of the smallest thing you know. I keep having this.

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sujala: you know. Talk in the night in the midnight with myself, if I don't get sleep.

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sujala: Oh, why did he say that? Why did she do like that? Why would anybody speak like this? And why is it affecting me? You know.

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sujala: I think it was. This was the start.

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sujala: It was very simple, but I didn't know where it would lead to.

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sujala: But the pause

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sujala: and the self reflection of

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sujala: why I'm so reactive. Why, I'm so angry at times. Why, I cannot, you know, keep my mouth closed sometimes you can let it go.

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sujala: You know this was this was a matured me telling myself.

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sujala: but then I realized that my emotions were dysregulated.

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sujala: and

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sujala: when I,

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sujala: when I, when I dug deep

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sujala: to understand what just happened. Why, why, why, I am like, you know, I I was 29 when I moved to

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sujala: France.

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sujala: I'm like, why? Why is it that you know

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sujala: why I cannot

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sujala: just be light.

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sujala: Why so many things bothering me?

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sujala: Because I was not because I had high functioning anxiety. So in high functioning anxiety. What you do is you cover up with something else, taking up something else all the time

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sujala: you work, you work, you work, you work. So you.

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sujala: So you dissociate yourself how you're feeling what you do.

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sujala: and you put everything on the external.

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sujala: You want to have a this one. You cannot sit calmly

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sujala: with yourself.

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sujala: and that scares you.

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sujala: So I was trying to wonder, why is this happening?

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sujala: Then I realized

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sujala: then I also realized one thing. One day. I still remember 1 1 day. Yeah, there was nobody at home. My husband had gone to office.

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sujala: I just cried

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sujala: because I was

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sujala: seeing some movie. I can't remember. This is what happens, you know, when you've been in survival mode for so long.

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sujala: There is this fragments of memory.

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sujala: You can't remember the full thing I still suffer. I if I remember the book title.

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sujala: I can't remember the author.

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sujala: I still have this brain fog.

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sujala: you know, so I can't remember which movie was it? But then I just started crying.

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sujala: It was. I can't remember how I have cried like this before.

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sujala: and it was of no reason it wasn't even a very sad movie. But I just broke down.

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sujala: And I think it's because I saw a loving mother relationship.

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sujala: That's all.

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sujala: It wasn't even a sad one. It was just a lovely mother and a child interaction.

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sujala: And I broke down.

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sujala: And that is when I'm like, okay, because I was already getting self aware about, okay, something is not okay. So I was in check with myself. So I let my emotions to feel.

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sujala: I let I allowed my body, I think for the 1st time

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sujala: to feel how it should feel like

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sujala: the emotions to flow as it wanted to, without knowing where I would lead to.

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sujala: I think probably, if I know where it would have led to, probably I would have, you know, closed up myself even more.

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sujala: But this curious nature of me, this high functioning anxiety. At 1 point it came in handy for me. Was this just being curious?

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sujala: Then I was like, Okay, let's do it

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sujala: like. Okay, I cried, because I'm a

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sujala: I'm an empath, and I cry easily, and I have, even though the society and around me

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sujala: is always shunned upon. Oh, my God! Like this! She cries.

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sujala: But it was also because I was grieving that nobody understood.

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sujala: So it just didn't help me being an empath, losing a mother so early, and not having emotional support.

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sujala: just led me into this cocoon, and now

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sujala: I did not know I had a cocoon, and I did not know I needed to break. I didn't know anything, you know. Sometimes they say ignorance is a bliss.

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sujala: This is what happened. So the pause and the just.

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sujala: I was just curious about myself. Why am I like this, and why it bothers me. That was the start.

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sujala: Then they had this huge breakdown.

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sujala: and then I'm like, Oh.

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sujala: something happened.

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sujala: This is not normal.

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sujala: How I felt

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sujala: because I could feel a knot in my stomach. It was not a normal cry.

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sujala: I had a knot in my stomach. Usually you feel relieved when when I used to cry. I used to feel a relief.

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Lindsay Ford: -

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sujala: This cry was, no, it was a bad, bad cry. I don't know. It's for the lack of a better word. I would say a bad cry, because it ended up like a knot in my stomach.

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sujala: and it was something I couldn't.

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sujala: you know, shrug it off. I couldn't.

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sujala: So that was the point. Then I started to

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sujala: understand about myself more.

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sujala: and during this time the 1st shock I got was

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sujala: I had comfortably or

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sujala: uncomfortably.

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sujala: I don't know why I had suppressed all the good memories with my mom.

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sujala: and it hurt me more

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sujala: that time.

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sujala: I'm like, why would you do that?

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sujala: Yes, a 30 year old can question that. But a 12 year old, 11 year old couldn't question that, because that was bringing up so many

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sujala: horrible things they didn't know I didn't know how to cope.

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sujala: so what I did.

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sujala: I suppressed.

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sujala: suppressed, locked, put it in one more casket, and just throw it away.

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sujala: That's what I did, and I'm like, why would you do that?

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sujala: Then I started to dig more.

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sujala: and

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sujala: when I started to dig more, the memory doesn't flow

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sujala: for 20 plus years. You have suppressed it.

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sujala: It is it? It doesn't open

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sujala: easily. And once it opens, it doesn't stop. That's another story.

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sujala: So

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sujala: okay.

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sujala: I couldn't flow, and that used to anger me, that used to frustrate me.

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sujala: Why, I can't remember.

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sujala: Fine! She's not been there for 20 years with me. But why can't. I remember the 1st 11 years? Why, I can't remember why, I can't remember.

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sujala: I think that anger and frustration made it even the memory go further.

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sujala: I, because if I it was, it was the anguish.

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sujala: you know, and it was like

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sujala: the anguish is like a knot in the stomach.

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sujala: Your hands and feet goes cold, and you don't know what to do, because that is what my body behaves

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sujala: when it is dysregulated.

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sujala: and for the 1st time I gave the permission, and it was acting all crazy

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sujala: with my emotions inside.

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sujala: So

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sujala: yeah, it was a very

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sujala: very peculiar phase, because it is like half boiled. I know something is wrong, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what to do, and still I couldn't share it with anybody.

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sujala: because there was nobody there for me to share this aspect of my life for the last 20 years.

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sujala: So I didn't have anybody to go to.

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sujala: So, thanks to the Internet.

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sujala: I was able to figure out few things.

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sujala: and

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sujala: I think I followed good people, and I read good books.

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sujala: Which told me that

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sujala: I felt somebody could understand me for the 1st time in my life when I read those books.

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sujala: and it was like a warm hug for me

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sujala: on a cold topic that nobody wanted to share with me, you know.

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sujala: So that's how I felt. So the books were my best friends at the beginning, and it's still they are. And that gave me a breakthrough to understand. Okay.

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sujala: okay.

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sujala: okay. Because and all these things when I'm saying, if you think it is, you know

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sujala: one week after one week. But no, I had to sit with this

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sujala: uncomfortable

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sujala: emotions.

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sujala: sometimes anger, sometimes

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sujala: I can be like as cold as to my own emotions

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sujala: like, who am I, you know, like one day I am this with myself. One day I am angry with myself. One day I am annoyed. I'm not understanding. One day I am like so distant with myself.

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sujala: So there used to be phases of

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sujala: where

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sujala: I just didn't talk about this for 2 weeks together

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sujala: because I'm scared.

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sujala: I'm happy being in my bubble.

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sujala: you know, very, very happy being in my bubble, because it's so uncomfortable

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sujala: at all levels.

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sujala: physically, emotionally, and everything else around you changes.

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sujala: So

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sujala: yeah, so it was. So. This was the 1st viewpoint and the books. And then I started to understand. Oh, grief! Then the word started to hit me

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sujala: when somebody used grief. I'm like grief.

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sujala: I just associated with sadness.

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sujala: And over here somebody was talking about grief, and they say it is lifelong, and I'm like, Oh, my God!

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sujala: Thank you, you know, because I was never able to let go of this, and it made me happy that it's not supposed to be. It's normal.

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sujala: because.

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sujala: as a young child.

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sujala: at least, the elders around me

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sujala: and the friends and my whole social life.

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sujala: You know

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sujala: they did not want to speak about my mother

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sujala: in front of me, because it will make me feel sad, but it's just the opposite.

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sujala: I'm like, how is it that everybody is handling? And I am not handling it? Well.

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sujala: but then.

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sujala: oh, my

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sujala: family! The 1st circle was all 30 plus adults.

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sujala: and I was the only one.

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sujala: and I was the only one who lost my mother

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sujala: so, and this also brought a kind of an anger

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sujala: that how I could not get.

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sujala: and emotional support to help me navigate.

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sujala: to say to somebody to say, it's normal. You have lost the primary attachment. We all come with our mothers as a primary attachment. So that's it is going to impact you

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sujala: whether you lose at 110-40-3035 doesn't matter.

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sujala: but it affects you differently

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sujala: because of your age.

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sujala: So I think that one was the

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sujala: biggest dough

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sujala: thing I had to go through, and books were of great help to me in understanding.

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sujala: and I felt that's the most

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sujala: living, relatable thing I could I ever found for the 1st time

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sujala: and then through Internet, I joined many grief support groups

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sujala: reading their stories, hearing their stories made me feel like, Okay.

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sujala: it's not that I couldn't handle it. It's just that I didn't know how to navigate.

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sujala: So that was the point of

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sujala: a bit of a relief.

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sujala: because I used to doubt myself.

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sujala: Oh, I cannot handle. I'm not the 1st 1 11 year old losing a parent

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sujala: right? And why am I not able to? So my! So I had very low self-esteem.

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sujala: I was not ambitious, I and I couldn't relate, you know, when you're growing up years, while you're in college.

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sujala: people were talking about ambitions. Oh, I want oh, let's go to party here. Oh, let's wear dress like this.

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sujala: I felt so disconnected with all those things because I was in the survival mode. These things didn't matter.

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sujala: It made no sense to me, because at the end of the day I wanted that emotional, loving support

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sujala: to help me through this.

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sujala: So this was the thing. Yeah, I think. Did I answer your question?

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Lindsay Ford: Yes, yes, and then some. Yeah. There's so much there that you shared that I just want to reflect on, and highlight.

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Lindsay Ford: You know, when you're talking about suppressing the good emotions and

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Lindsay Ford: you know, why would you suppress the good emotions?

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Lindsay Ford: I think what I've learned in.

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Lindsay Ford: I'll say the addiction sort of space, and not that you had an addiction, but like the idea of like when we numb when we do things to numb, whether that's, you know, alcohol, drugs, food, or just suppressing our emotions, working like going into that high functioning anxiety that, like busy busy. Don't don't feel like that numbing. It numbs both the bad feelings and and the good feelings.

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Lindsay Ford: and

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Lindsay Ford: you know it is too bad that that happens, because you know so much, so many of us are trying to. I'll say numb the bad feelings, but we want to keep the good feelings, but it doesn't work that way like we're meant to feel that full range, that full range of emotion.

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Lindsay Ford: And

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Lindsay Ford: you're, you know the fact. When you were talking about the pause.

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Lindsay Ford: and how

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Lindsay Ford: you just suddenly you stop from that busy go, go that doing, doing. And then you just had space.

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Lindsay Ford: And

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Lindsay Ford: I think

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Lindsay Ford: that is such

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Lindsay Ford: an important point, because so many of us in, you know the Western world, especially here in North America. It's just like, go, go, hustle, hustle, hustle, do do

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Lindsay Ford: there is not a lot of space to pause and reflect, and I can even just share, like on my own self healing journey, especially over the last

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Lindsay Ford: 2 years

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Lindsay Ford: I've had

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Lindsay Ford: space.

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Lindsay Ford: and I've had moments of pause, and I've just I haven't been in hustle mode, and what's happened is there are days where I'm just in tears, in a puddle like I can't function.

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sujala: Said you.

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Lindsay Ford: And and it's

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Lindsay Ford: it's weird in the sense that

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Lindsay Ford: like, I wasn't like this before. And what's you know? It would be so easy for me to go like what's wrong with me? Why can't I function? I just like, I don't want to interact with anyone. I'm just like crying at the smallest things.

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Lindsay Ford: But it's because I have the space to do that versus before.

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Lindsay Ford: you know, in that hustle busy mode like I didn't have the space. So I just kept going through it. And I didn't notice all of the emotions coming up. And it also just wasn't.

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Lindsay Ford: you know, into as far into the self-healing journey as I am now, and have, you know at that time, where I understood that you know what you said about feeling you allowed yourself to feel

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Lindsay Ford: the emotions like, if there's 1 thing that we need to do is to it's to notice and to feel, and we don't actually have to do much else like there's so much you know, it's helpful to intellectually understand.

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Lindsay Ford: But

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Lindsay Ford: it's more helpful. I would argue to be able to notice, have that self reflection piece of like notice what's coming up, and just allow it.

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sujala: Yeah.

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Lindsay Ford: Just allow it, and that's.

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Lindsay Ford: I think, trained out of so many of us

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Lindsay Ford: as a kid. And I also think that

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Lindsay Ford: you know, as a kid. I can just reflect on my relationship with my daughter and what I see in hers.

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Lindsay Ford: She does everything

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Lindsay Ford: imaginable not to feel the hard emotions.

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Lindsay Ford: and

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Lindsay Ford: I can watch her.

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Lindsay Ford: I'll say self-destruct, but she'll suppress, suppress, suppress, and then it gets too much. And then it's just explosions, and she's been like that since she was, you know, a toddler, I'll say probably a baby, but and she's getting better.

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Lindsay Ford: She's getting a little bit better now, and I feel like it's because she's seen me a mess over the last couple of years, and I've just been like, I just need to have it like I'm just having a temper, tantrum. Get it, get away from me, or like I'm just gonna cry over. This has nothing to do with you but but that feeling like it is deeply uncomfortable, like what you said. It's

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Lindsay Ford: you don't want to sit in that. Nobody thinks nobody wakes up and says, I want to cry and feel miserable and like a piece of crap today.

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Lindsay Ford: And you know, with the emotion it's all the thoughts

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Lindsay Ford: that come with it of like, you know, all those judgment pieces like, why can't you function? What's wrong with you? The feeling of unworthiness so much comes up when there's that pause. And then that

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Lindsay Ford: space for that, the emotional, the emotional stuff.

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Lindsay Ford: I'm curious as you were going through this because you're newly married. You're in a new country. It makes sense to me that, like you had the space. But also

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Lindsay Ford: you know

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Lindsay Ford: it. There's so much change in your life at the same time. So you're just like confronted with all this discomfort, probably externally, at at the same time, your internal world is shifting.

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Lindsay Ford: And you know, so you know, it's funny just to think about like our external world is often a mirror towards our internal world like you were clearly meant to work through all that stuff at that particular time, and just

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Lindsay Ford: be confronted with all this, this stuff?

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Lindsay Ford: What was your relationship with your husband like at that time? Because you were? Obviously.

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Lindsay Ford: you know, you met him, I'll say, under the persona of like, you know, pretty buttoned up, you said you're in your cocoon, not super emotionally aware, and then

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Lindsay Ford: you're newlywed.

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Lindsay Ford: And now you're like

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Lindsay Ford: I like in this.

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Lindsay Ford: you know, rapidly unfolding like you're just, I'll say, falling apart. But it's like you're unraveling in like the best way possible. And just like, you know, peeling back those layers of everything that sort of held you together in a way, but without losing the center. I'll say, because the you know the healing process is, you're just.

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Lindsay Ford: You're just. You're shedding all that. All that debris

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Lindsay Ford: and you're coming back to your center and your wholeness into who you are. What was your relationship like your or with your husband? As you were going through that massive, internal, and external transition.

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Lindsay Ford: See.

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sujala: See external transition. It was a common transition, so we gelled well on that.

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sujala: the internal one.

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sujala: you know I have experience of

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sujala: not sharing it with anybody for 20 years.

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sujala: so I kept it under the wraps.

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sujala: so he used to go in the morning, back in the evening, whole days. For myself, I dwell on this, I cry on this, but I shared nothing with him.

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sujala: and this is where the high functioning anxiety comes into play. I'm trained for it.

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sujala: I did not plan for it for 20 years of being dysregulated, putting a mask because nobody was there for me.

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sujala: so I didn't expect my husband to understand this part of me.

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sujala: I kept it so close, and because

380
00:33:38.350 --> 00:33:41.359
sujala: I have 20 years of experience

381
00:33:41.390 --> 00:33:47.250
sujala: of feeling missing my mom, but waking up getting ready and going to attend the class.

382
00:33:47.300 --> 00:33:50.640
sujala: as if a mom has sent you to the classroom.

383
00:33:52.650 --> 00:33:54.829
sujala: So I have. I have.

384
00:33:55.000 --> 00:33:58.049
sujala: When you ask me this you know

385
00:33:58.130 --> 00:34:00.930
sujala: I feel sorry for myself, but

386
00:34:01.490 --> 00:34:05.999
sujala: but I did it. For 20 years nobody cared how I felt.

387
00:34:06.180 --> 00:34:09.729
sujala: nobody knew the war I had to

388
00:34:10.540 --> 00:34:13.090
sujala: deal with internally with me.

389
00:34:13.310 --> 00:34:16.360
sujala: How is it to be sleeplessness? How is it

390
00:34:16.790 --> 00:34:20.269
sujala: this reminds me of one of

391
00:34:21.230 --> 00:34:25.099
sujala: the episode I had when, which shook me

392
00:34:25.440 --> 00:34:27.350
sujala: during my healing was

393
00:34:28.399 --> 00:34:32.680
sujala: one day I was just getting ready for my school.

394
00:34:33.480 --> 00:34:36.090
sujala: and I couldn't find my school tie.

395
00:34:37.980 --> 00:34:45.570
sujala: and I and the timings were a bit later that day, so my dad had already left for office. So I was alone at home.

396
00:34:48.070 --> 00:34:50.100
sujala: So I just wanted to get ready.

397
00:34:50.159 --> 00:34:51.510
sujala: It's just a

398
00:34:51.739 --> 00:34:53.869
sujala: normal day in my life

399
00:34:54.120 --> 00:34:57.960
sujala: just searching for the this one. And I just said.

400
00:34:59.080 --> 00:35:01.039
sujala: Ama, where is my tie?

401
00:35:04.130 --> 00:35:05.720
sujala: There was no answer.

402
00:35:06.460 --> 00:35:07.286
sujala: of course.

403
00:35:07.710 --> 00:35:11.660
sujala: and I fell silent. Everything fell silent.

404
00:35:12.330 --> 00:35:15.170
sujala: and my feed, my!

405
00:35:15.940 --> 00:35:18.130
sujala: Hence everything went cold

406
00:35:19.310 --> 00:35:21.049
sujala: because my mom was dead.

407
00:35:23.040 --> 00:35:28.140
sujala: So it's it's like this. You don't know how it hits you.

408
00:35:29.250 --> 00:35:35.869
sujala: and I remember being so emotional, so angry, that

409
00:35:35.940 --> 00:35:44.239
sujala: I took the entire pile of my clothes, my uniform and I just put it into, just crumbled it, and threw it under the bed.

410
00:35:46.090 --> 00:35:47.610
sujala: and I cried.

411
00:35:50.210 --> 00:35:57.200
sujala: then nobody's there to console me. Nobody is there to say they're there, even that is not there.

412
00:35:58.090 --> 00:35:59.770
sujala: So you cry.

413
00:36:00.180 --> 00:36:03.360
sujala: You pick yourself up where you had left off.

414
00:36:03.950 --> 00:36:07.870
sujala: Wash your face, brush it off like it's your normal day.

415
00:36:08.520 --> 00:36:14.369
sujala: Take your uniform because it was crumpled. Iron it! I'm crying, and I'm ironing it.

416
00:36:15.010 --> 00:36:17.360
sujala: and I wear it.

417
00:36:17.570 --> 00:36:21.630
sujala: It was a walk for me from my home to school

418
00:36:22.290 --> 00:36:24.490
sujala: that walk calmed me.

419
00:36:26.130 --> 00:36:27.269
sujala: and then

420
00:36:28.280 --> 00:36:29.710
sujala: I have to be normal.

421
00:36:30.190 --> 00:36:31.870
sujala: the society normal.

422
00:36:33.930 --> 00:36:34.960
sujala: So.

423
00:36:35.090 --> 00:36:38.940
sujala: having going through like this many things like this.

424
00:36:39.690 --> 00:36:42.899
sujala: so I think it was easy for me to hide it from my husband.

425
00:36:43.630 --> 00:36:49.259
sujala: He didn't even know I was crying. He didn't even know I was healing.

426
00:36:50.780 --> 00:36:55.460
sujala: He never felt it different, because that was my escape. When he came

427
00:36:57.540 --> 00:36:59.670
sujala: it was a complete escape for me.

428
00:37:00.290 --> 00:37:05.749
sujala: so that this one is like my 1 1 internal life which I'm not gonna share.

429
00:37:06.210 --> 00:37:11.190
sujala: And this one was the escape which I was happy and and I was happy to be with him.

430
00:37:11.960 --> 00:37:13.750
sujala: and it made me feel

431
00:37:13.940 --> 00:37:25.959
sujala: normal and loving and caring, and you know the the funny things, what we encounter in a new country and everything. So it was like 2 different things for me.

432
00:37:26.220 --> 00:37:32.299
sujala: So it actually he didn't know. He didn't know for a very, very long time.

433
00:37:32.730 --> 00:37:33.779
sujala: He didn't know.

434
00:37:34.180 --> 00:37:37.850
sujala: He was shocked when I told him he was shocked.

435
00:37:38.330 --> 00:37:39.469
sujala: He's like

436
00:37:40.550 --> 00:37:42.379
sujala: you could have just shared it.

437
00:37:42.650 --> 00:37:47.740
sujala: And I'm like I don't know how to share this part of my life, because nobody has been there for me.

438
00:37:48.230 --> 00:37:50.819
sujala: It's a sad truth enough, my life

439
00:37:51.140 --> 00:37:54.829
sujala: nobody has been there. This grief part of me.

440
00:37:55.130 --> 00:37:59.010
sujala: No friend, came forward, no adult came forward

441
00:37:59.050 --> 00:38:01.370
sujala: in spite of knowing my situation.

442
00:38:02.720 --> 00:38:09.190
sujala: So you learn so, since I have so many, not a good experience, but experience of

443
00:38:09.350 --> 00:38:11.589
sujala: being, you know, that

444
00:38:11.750 --> 00:38:17.720
sujala: framed size perfectly sized, you know, like towards the society. So

445
00:38:17.890 --> 00:38:22.230
sujala: because of that, it didn't feel different. It didn't feel even wrong.

446
00:38:23.280 --> 00:38:25.190
sujala: It felt wrong.

447
00:38:25.390 --> 00:38:28.740
sujala: No, it didn't feel wrong. It felt sad for me

448
00:38:29.250 --> 00:38:32.229
sujala: that it took so many years even to come out.

449
00:38:34.690 --> 00:38:37.140
sujala: because that scar of

450
00:38:37.250 --> 00:38:39.500
sujala: people not being there for me

451
00:38:40.550 --> 00:38:42.520
sujala: was so huge

452
00:38:42.720 --> 00:38:44.180
sujala: I couldn't trust.

453
00:38:45.750 --> 00:38:49.959
sujala: be it my husband, be it anybody I couldn't trust, because

454
00:38:50.600 --> 00:38:54.300
sujala: nobody wanted to open that gate at all.

455
00:38:55.490 --> 00:38:57.770
sujala: Nobody wanted to open that topic

456
00:38:59.540 --> 00:39:00.570
sujala: with me.

457
00:39:00.690 --> 00:39:05.070
sujala: Nobody knew I had so much of baggage.

458
00:39:05.290 --> 00:39:12.930
sujala: you know, like kept there was. This whole thing was weighing me down physically, mentally.

459
00:39:13.620 --> 00:39:14.870
sujala: Nobody knew.

460
00:39:15.260 --> 00:39:21.060
sujala: So I since I did not have the trust. So this thing I kept it very guarded.

461
00:39:22.720 --> 00:39:23.654
sujala: because

462
00:39:24.650 --> 00:39:29.820
sujala: what I felt, or what I understood from the people around me was

463
00:39:30.660 --> 00:39:34.170
sujala: your grief, your problem you need to manage.

464
00:39:36.010 --> 00:39:39.910
sujala: That was the message sent to me non-verbally.

465
00:39:41.780 --> 00:39:44.770
sujala: So that became my existence

466
00:39:44.810 --> 00:39:46.159
sujala: on this topic.

467
00:39:46.580 --> 00:39:49.740
sujala: So this topic was just closed.

468
00:39:50.810 --> 00:39:53.360
sujala: and everything else just moved around

469
00:39:54.130 --> 00:39:56.629
sujala: as as normal as it could be.

470
00:39:57.420 --> 00:40:08.860
sujala: I did my best to be as normal in capacity of mine. Yes, there were reactions, there were anger. I used to cry. I used to get angry like this. I used to cry like this.

471
00:40:09.326 --> 00:40:13.719
sujala: Yes, a part of it, because I was coping, not coping, surviving.

472
00:40:14.770 --> 00:40:18.170
sujala: and whatever I was coping it was definitely not healthy.

473
00:40:18.760 --> 00:40:26.830
sujala: and that is how I have consequences of so many things I had to, you know by layer by layer. I had to 1st of all understand.

474
00:40:27.190 --> 00:40:30.559
sujala: then know about the topic, and then heal from the topic.

475
00:40:31.200 --> 00:40:35.849
sujala: So I had to do this like over and over and over again

476
00:40:36.010 --> 00:40:37.360
sujala: for everything.

477
00:40:37.470 --> 00:40:41.150
sujala: So it was exhausting mentally it was exhausting.

478
00:40:41.780 --> 00:40:44.279
sujala: I don't think healing is for everybody.

479
00:40:44.780 --> 00:40:45.670
sujala: but

480
00:40:46.020 --> 00:40:47.409
sujala: but it is

481
00:40:47.720 --> 00:40:49.450
sujala: so empowering

482
00:40:50.340 --> 00:40:56.869
sujala: if you want it. Because I could have stopped at any time. Okay, it's a grief. I understood. Okay, let me be okay with it.

483
00:40:57.450 --> 00:41:00.169
sujala: You know. I could have entered it there. But no.

484
00:41:00.430 --> 00:41:04.060
sujala: I dug more. I'm like, Okay, no, no, no, I'm going to do more.

485
00:41:04.160 --> 00:41:05.600
sujala: I'm going to

486
00:41:05.690 --> 00:41:07.980
sujala: really get to the bottom of this.

487
00:41:08.670 --> 00:41:25.210
sujala: Not a. I didn't know I was in a layer of layer of peeling my own skin off. And it was so painful it was literally like that. But yeah, so since I had this experience of masking.

488
00:41:26.780 --> 00:41:28.000
sujala: it was easy.

489
00:41:28.380 --> 00:41:29.275
sujala: Unfortunately.

490
00:41:30.170 --> 00:41:47.389
Lindsay Ford: Yeah, that's both like, really sad and also like, really fascinating. I just want to go back to what you said a while ago, where you know it was like you were in a cocoon, and you didn't realize it. And you know you're you're with the masking.

491
00:41:47.740 --> 00:41:58.010
Lindsay Ford: like, you know, I could see how that would be. I could see how that would serve you, and at the same time feel so lonely, but because it was so normal.

492
00:41:59.000 --> 00:42:02.669
Lindsay Ford: It's kind of one of those things like you don't know what you don't know.

493
00:42:02.750 --> 00:42:13.410
Lindsay Ford: and if you're in your cocoon, if you're in that way of life like, you know, you're saying the support wasn't there for you. There was no one that you could open up to and trust.

494
00:42:13.660 --> 00:42:28.999
Lindsay Ford: and it doesn't even sound like you had the awareness for a long time that you even needed to open up and trust someone, and that was the issue. And you know, I could just see how you know the cocoon and those layers that you built for so long.

495
00:42:29.200 --> 00:42:30.400
Lindsay Ford: Really?

496
00:42:31.030 --> 00:42:35.659
Lindsay Ford: Like, essentially like you just didn't know there was another way

497
00:42:35.910 --> 00:42:47.739
Lindsay Ford: until you started down that healing journey. And I think you're right. I think what you said like healing is not for everybody, or however you worded that like it is not for the faint of heart.

498
00:42:47.994 --> 00:43:00.480
Lindsay Ford: I had a conversation a few weeks ago with a friend of mine, and I was talking about. I don't know. Just like I talk a lot about the healing journey. I'm going on in different aspects of my life, and what I'm learning, and these uncomfortable emotions, and she's like

499
00:43:00.760 --> 00:43:04.929
Lindsay Ford: I would never. She's like, I don't want to sit with my emotions. I want to just keep busy. I don't want to look.

500
00:43:04.930 --> 00:43:05.600
sujala: Them, and.

501
00:43:05.600 --> 00:43:05.950
Lindsay Ford: I'm like.

502
00:43:05.950 --> 00:43:06.820
sujala: Like, what.

503
00:43:06.820 --> 00:43:12.320
Lindsay Ford: That seems insane to me, but I get it like it's because it's very. It's very uncomfortable, and it's like.

504
00:43:12.320 --> 00:43:13.270
sujala: Normal

505
00:43:13.760 --> 00:43:17.649
sujala: that that, like people don't want to sit with their emotions. It's very common.

506
00:43:17.930 --> 00:43:22.200
Lindsay Ford: Yeah, so kudos to you for working through

507
00:43:22.650 --> 00:43:28.740
Lindsay Ford: all of that and continuing to work through that and sitting with that discomfort. Because, yeah, it's not. It's not for everyone.

508
00:43:28.870 --> 00:43:33.960
Lindsay Ford: If you could give one piece of advice to someone who has.

509
00:43:34.520 --> 00:43:36.720
Lindsay Ford: you know, gone through a loss

510
00:43:36.940 --> 00:43:38.719
Lindsay Ford: and are dealing with grief.

511
00:43:38.860 --> 00:43:40.240
Lindsay Ford: What would be

512
00:43:40.590 --> 00:43:45.610
Lindsay Ford: either your advice to someone else or what you wish? Someone had told you a lot earlier.

513
00:43:48.723 --> 00:43:52.030
sujala: My advice, and what I wish for is

514
00:43:53.950 --> 00:43:55.879
sujala: just to allow that person

515
00:43:56.260 --> 00:43:58.479
sujala: to feel to miss.

516
00:43:58.890 --> 00:44:00.759
sujala: and to talk about that person.

517
00:44:02.650 --> 00:44:10.880
sujala: It would be as simple as that. But we have complicated this grief topic to such a wide extent that it shocks me.

518
00:44:13.480 --> 00:44:15.920
sujala: You cannot stop missing the person.

519
00:44:16.050 --> 00:44:19.100
sujala: That is why it is called grief. It's not called sadness.

520
00:44:19.730 --> 00:44:22.290
sujala: you know. And please don't

521
00:44:23.360 --> 00:44:24.600
sujala: feel pity.

522
00:44:24.680 --> 00:44:26.940
sujala: That's the least thing you could do.

523
00:44:27.240 --> 00:44:31.560
sujala: You can sympathize and listen. But please don't be.

524
00:44:32.010 --> 00:44:34.820
sujala: but please don't send the pity wipes, you know.

525
00:44:35.020 --> 00:44:38.389
sujala: It just makes the griever closed.

526
00:44:39.870 --> 00:44:42.450
sujala: you know that is where the masking comes from.

527
00:44:43.440 --> 00:44:47.380
sujala: and then, if possible, if you're very close to that person.

528
00:44:49.460 --> 00:44:51.070
sujala: talk about their people.

529
00:44:51.800 --> 00:44:57.859
sujala: because it's especially my from my experience. If somebody would have

530
00:44:57.970 --> 00:45:00.570
sujala: spoken about my mother to me.

531
00:45:01.950 --> 00:45:04.939
sujala: I would still be so happy to speak about her.

532
00:45:05.610 --> 00:45:07.790
sujala: So speak about that person.

533
00:45:08.060 --> 00:45:23.789
sujala: If they want to open up, they'll open up if they don't want, don't at least you open the topic. So next time, when they're ready they might pick up a phone call, or they might meet you to speak about them, so don't shut them out.

534
00:45:24.420 --> 00:45:28.829
sujala: You know this would be few things, and for a griever

535
00:45:30.280 --> 00:45:36.430
sujala: I know it's hard, but try to find at least one person whom you can speak your grief.

536
00:45:36.820 --> 00:45:39.180
sujala: It is immensely hard.

537
00:45:39.230 --> 00:45:41.320
sujala: I know it from experience.

538
00:45:41.520 --> 00:45:43.320
sujala: but if you can find it.

539
00:45:43.350 --> 00:45:44.410
sujala: Take the hip.

540
00:45:45.380 --> 00:45:48.219
sujala: take somebody who can listen to you.

541
00:45:48.430 --> 00:45:55.460
sujala: If they are ready to listen to you. Take it, you need it. You're not. You're not weak. You're not

542
00:45:55.470 --> 00:46:00.639
sujala: begging for help, or you're not being very, you know. Very.

543
00:46:01.110 --> 00:46:05.710
sujala: What do you say? I would use the word weak itself emotionally. No, you're not

544
00:46:06.660 --> 00:46:11.090
sujala: so. Please take that help. Don't be rigid.

545
00:46:11.630 --> 00:46:19.029
sujala: If if somebody opens, if you are in the situation like me, then I don't know what to say, but if you can find somebody.

546
00:46:19.750 --> 00:46:28.959
sujala: take it, take it with all your heart, and don't feel any burden of it. Just take it. You need somebody to listen to you

547
00:46:29.000 --> 00:46:32.379
sujala: to navigate at least the initial years.

548
00:46:32.780 --> 00:46:34.149
sujala: You need that.

549
00:46:34.790 --> 00:46:35.550
sujala: Yeah.

550
00:46:35.820 --> 00:46:38.843
Lindsay Ford: Yeah, that's that's beautiful.

551
00:46:39.780 --> 00:46:45.830
Lindsay Ford: and I really appreciate you sharing your story and your experience. I think

552
00:46:46.370 --> 00:46:49.230
Lindsay Ford: I think it has the power to

553
00:46:49.330 --> 00:46:52.809
Lindsay Ford: connect with a lot of people

554
00:46:53.390 --> 00:47:05.552
Lindsay Ford: who have. We're grieving in different ways. I think it doesn't necessarily have to be a match to your story. But you know the emotions that you were able to share with us today.

555
00:47:06.040 --> 00:47:15.860
Lindsay Ford: just so beneficial. And even I can feel the impact on me. So thank you for that. Where can people? Where can people connect with you if they want to connect with you.

556
00:47:16.730 --> 00:47:29.510
sujala: It's on Instagram, my podcast. Called discovering journeys. And I will share with you all the links I'm on Fb, I'm on insta and on Linkedin. So, yeah.

557
00:47:29.510 --> 00:47:35.490
Lindsay Ford: Perfect, all right, and I will have all of those in the show notes. Thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate you.

558
00:47:35.800 --> 00:47:39.169
sujala: Oh, thank you so much for giving me the space. Thank you.