Episode 71 - HOT TAKE: Dad Enrols Kid in Public School Against Mom's Wishes

When you disagree with your ex BUT have joint decision making power over your child, what do you do?

In today’s episode, I go into exactly how to break down these seemingly impossible conflicts using a real life example of a dad who enrolled his son in public school against his ex’s wishes. She had been homeschooling their son and this massive curveball was thrown her way a week before school started. 

This example is a good one – demonstrating the conflicting values and priorities of coparents while simultaneously sharing decisions.

I break down possible motivations (they’re not always what you think), and how to approach a similar conflict using my 3 step process.

If you’re interested in diving deeper into creating a successful coparenting relationship that ultimately benefits your child, then check out my coparenting program at https://www.breakingfreewithlindsay.com/coparenting

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Transcript

Situation

• Kid is about 6 and mom has been homeschooling, and works at a homeschooling “school”
• Dad registered kid for public school without asking (only one parent is needed, but 2 are required to sign off on homeschooling).
• Mom doesn’t want kid to go to conventional school but is worried that if she doesn’t send him now she’ll get in trouble.
• Logistics in terms of afterschool pickup that requires son to be in the afterschool program as well.

What do you do?

We’re going to come at this from a few different angles because I have so many thoughts on this, and like anything in life, this situation (and the solution) is not linear. There is no simple answer when the parents share decision making power but don’t agree on major issues, like education.

Let’s start with WHY - Why would he do something like this?

Now, I obviously don’t know the full story or what this relationship is like other than the little bit of information I’ve shared with you.

My first instinct is that this is a move made from CONTROL. Meaning he either wants to control his ex wife OR he feels out of control and is trying to assert his control.

There’s a scenario here where it’s possible that she’s called the shots on education so far and his viewpoint hasn’t been heard, validated or respected. He’s had concerns about his son’s education (despite their child meeting or exceeding milestones, which was also shared on IG), but his opinion hasn’t mattered. It’s possible that he’s tried to have this conversation with his ex wife before and he just got sick of being ignored so he did something about it.

There’s another scenario where he got mad at the mom and he knew this would hurt her the most. So in this case, this would be a revenge/retaliation tactic.

There’s another scenario where he might be getting pressure, or questions from family, friends, coworkers about his kid not being in a typical school. If he’s not strong in his conviction to homeschool his son, then he wouldn’t be able to withstand any questioning or criticism. He’d start to wonder if homeschooling is the best thing for his son. Would he be socialized properly? If he was already having doubts or on the fence, then any pressure from others would get to him and force him to take action, despite his ex wife’s wishes.

There are many different reasons that could have led to his decision to enrol their kid in public school against his ex’s wishes.

So that beings us to WHAT DO YOU DO if you were that mom?

Now, I don’t know your beliefs on homeschooling vs. Public school, but I know we as mothers have VERY strong beliefs on how we want to raise our child, the types of values we want to instil in them, and who we trust to share responsibility in raising our child with — and that’s really what it comes down to in terms of education.

I homeschooled my kids for a couple of years and I completely understand why this mother doesn’t want to send her son to public school because it feels like throwing him to the wolves.

Having said that, my kids did go back to public school and it’s been OK. I’ve also mixed that in with school in Bali to offset what they’re learning here in Canada.

When you think about what you can do in a situation like this, you always need to look at this from THREE angles — what you can do, what to do with your ex, and how to support your child.

So let’s start with what to do about your ex, because I know that’s where EVERYONE wants to start, because obviously HE is the problem.

He’s not… but let’s start here anyways.

If she’s on speaking terms with her ex, she needs to have a conversation with him. BUT, the caveat here is that she’s not going to try to convince him homeschooling is right. Starting here won’t get her anywhere. She needs to first understand HIS perspective.

So, she’s going to put her curiosity hat on and ask him questions.  What led him to make this decision? What are his concerns about homeschooling? Does he have any specific concerns about how his child is learning and developing? What happens in his mind if they continue to homeschool?

Her goal is to understand his perspective, his concerns, and his motivations. This is a fact finding mission, so she needs to bite her tongue no matter how much she disagrees.

In fact, she should actually validate his perspective. This is not the same as agreeing. “I can see how you arrived at that conclusion.” “That makes sense based on what you said.”

This part can be hard if you have a VERY STRONG opinion, but you need to keep the bigger picture in mind. Are you trying to win an argument, or are you trying to do what’s best for your child?

BOTH moms and dads have opinions about what’s best for their child and BOTH are valid.

And in this example, I can tell you as someone who’s homeschooled, had her kids in the public school system, they’ve also done forest school and attended an international school in Bali… there are pros and cons to every type of education. There is no perfect.

So let’s dive into the second prong of what you can do, and that’s related to yourself.

So in our scenario here, mom gets to get really honest with herself and her fears. This is ideally done before she talks to her ex so she doesn’t become reactive BUT it can really happen at any time.

What happens in her mind when she sends her child to public school? What’s she afraid of? What’s her worst case scenario?

Facing your fear in your imagination is an essential ingredient in understanding the problem and RESOLVING it.

When you do this, you release the charge of the fear so it doesn’t seem that scary any more OR it shows you the actual, real problem that you need to address.

For example, if she’s afraid of her child being indoctrinated by the school system or being taught to think in a way that doesn’t align with her values, how can she counteract this? This now a problem with a tangible solution, rather that her staying stuck in overwhelming fear of her child being sent to school.

Fear likes to stay general because it has more power over you. When you get specific, it’s more manageable.

And the third prong to this is what she can do to support her child. And you’re likely not going to like what I have to say, BUT despite this mother’s opinions, if she intends to send her child to school then she needs to show her child that it’s absolutely OK and it’s not a big deal.

If she presents this to her child as detrimental, the worst thing ever, or dad’s fault, the transition for this child from homeschooling into public school will be brutal.

This is another reason Mom needs to face her fears, because kids can feel our energies. If we’re anxious about it then our child will pick up on that and become anxious as well.

When it comes to supporting her child, she can present it as trying something new. Share the good things that might happen and all of the reasons that he might have fun. And if he expresses his worries, she can reassure him that she’s there and they can figure it out together.

SO… to SUMMARIZE

Take the 3 pronged approach:

1. Focus on what you can control and face your fears in your imagination.
2. Understand Dad’s motivations by asking questions, being curious and seeking to understand his perspective without trying to change it.
3. Support you child in a way that puts him in a positive mindset about the change that’s happening.

If you want to dive deeper into how to approach these types of scenarios in your own coparenting relationship, the definitely check out my Conscious Coparenting course by visiting http://breakingfreewithlindsay.com / coparenting.

It’s absolutely possible for you to find peaceful you and your child, regardless of what your ex is doing.

And remember, I’m here supporting you and cheering you on every step of the way.