Episode 72 - How to Avoid Messing Up Your Kids Through Divorce

The biggest fear when contemplating divorce is: Will I mess up my kids? Let’s tackle that today.

In this episode, I dive into:

• How to face this fear head on so you can move through it
• What “messing” your child up actually means
• How to reduce the risk that they’ll be totally F’d up as a result of your divorce. 

This is a good one for anyone who wants to do right by their kid while moving through new, uncharted territory in your parenting journey.

If you want to dive further into coparenting while fully supporting your child, definitely check out my Conscious Co-Parenting course.

Book a FREE Clarity Call with me if you want your divorce and coparenting situation to be as amicable as possible. Let's figure out next steps together. DM me on Instagram to set it up.

Transcript

 All right, today we are talking about how to not mess up your kids. Through divorce. This is one of the biggest fears for us as parents. Um, I certainly hear it from a lot of moms. I know I've heard it from some dads. I don't have a, a, a massive dad audience, but this is the number one fear. Like, we don't want our kids to be in a broken home and just screwed up because of our decisions. Now, this is also the number one fear of parents who are together as well. Like, I have taught parenting classes for many, many years, and it was like, "I don't wanna screw this up. I don't wanna screw up my child. This is such an important task we have as parents, I don't wanna mess this up." So let's talk about how to not mess it up, but first, we're gonna fi- define what messing up is. What does it mean to screw up your kids? And I wanna start here because this is actually, like, a really key element because this idea of messing up our kids, well, that's a fear that we have, and fear likes to stay general because when it feels... when it's general, it has control over us. It's this overwhelming thing that we can't quite grasp. We're just afraid of messing up our kids. Well, what does that mean? So many of us do not define what that means, so we keep our fear broad. We're worried about this, this thing that's gonna happen, but we d- haven't actually defined this thing that's gonna happen. So what does it mean to screw up your kids? And I actually don't have an answer to this because that's gonna be individual to you. A lot of people think it's like, "Oh, my God, my kid's gonna need therapy when they're older," or, "They're gonna not have good relationships when they're older because of me," things like that. So what does that mean for you? So I really want you to get intentional about what it means to screw up your kids, and I want you to face this fear in your imagination. What is your worst-case scenario here? If you are in a divorce situation and worried about messing up your kids, what's your fear here? What, what happens in your imagination? What happens when you go through this and you mess up your kids? I want you to confront that in your imagination. Now, you are safe to do this in your own home. This is not happening in real time, but you need to go there because you need to understand what this fear is all about, so then you can release it, it doesn't have a hold on you, and you have tangible problems to solve. We want to get to the point where this fear is like, "Okay, I'm worried about this one, this one thing or this, this..." Like, they, they need to become specific so then we can manage them. That is always step one when we're dealing with fear. So what does it mean to mess up your kids? I also want to bring in this perspective of, you know, our kids have developing brains. They are new to this world. They are perceiving things in ways that are different than how we are perceiving things. So there are situations happening And they're making conclusions about what that means for them, and what that means about them. And we can't control what they're thinking or how they're thinking. Yes, we can have dialogue with them, and we can talk through things, but, you know, if you think back to the things that, like, screwed you up as a child, yes, there's the major events, but there's also just, like, the one sentence that someone said to you that made you form a conclusion. Like, someone called you, like a teacher called you dumb, and you were just like, "Oh yeah, I can't do math now." Like, there's this, all this random beliefs. Um, I had one where I was at a school dance in early high school where I asked a friend to go to the bathroom with me, because obviously, like teenage girls back then traveled in packs to the bathroom, and she didn't wanna go. And then another friend asked her right after, and she's like, "Yeah, let's go to the bathroom." And I was just like, the, what I concluded with that was, oh, I'm, I'm not important enough or worth taking the time to, like, away from something fun to, like, go to the bathroom with. Like, it was a really, like, hurtful thing. But that was, like, one incident. I can't tell you any... I can't even recall any other times I asked or went to the bathroom with anybody else. So my point is, as we are, as our kids are being raised- They're developing conclusions, and just, like, one comment here or one situation here forms beliefs. So no child can leave childhood unscathed. We all have our issues. So our kids are gonna be messed up no matter what. And I don't want this to disempower you. I want this to actually really empower you because there is no perfect. There is no perfect in parenting. We are meant to go on this journey, and then unravel-- like, we're meant to form these fears and limiting beliefs and beliefs about ourselves. And then the, the beauty part of this and, like, from a soul perspective is we're then here to unravel that. We're here to realize that, that what is happening on the surface, our day-to-day interaction, it's actually different than who we are as a person, and that is the soul's work through the lifetime. So childhood is, like, the breeding ground. It's the fertile ground for, like, all of the stuff, all of the yucky stuff that we have to work through and dissect later on in life. So no child can leave childhood unscathed, us or our kids. So there is no getting this perfect. So when we think about messing up our kids, it's about basically to what degree we are messing them up. So and the way we mitigate against that is we focus on what we can control. We can control how we show up. We can do our own inner work so we're not unleashing on our kids or reacting wildly or throwing all sorts of our stuff, dumping them on our kids. So our own inner work becomes one of the most important things that we can do for our child. So we can focus on what we can control. We can focus on how we show up as parents. Are we present with our kids, or are we constantly rushing around? Are we being really thoughtful when they share something hard with us, or are we just going into reaction mode? And again, that comes back to our own inner work. So all we can do is focus on what we can control and how we can show up, and we cannot control how our child interprets that, what they do with that information, what they do with that, that interaction with us. We can't control that. The only thing that we can control is doing better and better and better by ourselves and by our kids. So focus on what you can control. And the other thing I wanna mention before we dive into, like, the how of, you know, how best to not mess up our kids is just the contrast. So if you are, um, on the brink of a divorce and wondering if you should sort of pull the trigger on that, or if you are post-divorce and wondering, like, sh- would it have been better if I had stayed? Would it have been better for my kids? I just want you to contrast the fear of You know, we think about like, "Oh, divorce is gonna mess up our kids," but staying in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage, a relationship, can also mess up your kids. So I want you to, if you're worried about that, like if you're worried about the divorce aspect of it, contrast that with the, the staying stuck, um, staying stuck aspect of it. So, you know, we oftentimes tend to focus on the fear of making the change, and we don't consider the fear of or, like, the consequences of staying exactly where we are and, and the ramifications then that that has on our kids. So definitely if you're facing your fear of, um, the change, face your fear also of th- the staying stuck. That's very, very important, and it's often one that's overlooked. So now let's dive into how to not mess up your kids even though you're gonna mess them up likely. There's no avoiding that, but how can we sort of mitigate how much we mess up our kids? So let's start with the obvious, which is our relationship with our ex or their dad. So this is gonna be obviously one that you can't fully con- control. You can control how you show up in that relationship, and that's really all you can control. But what has been shown has been that the kids that have parents that can speak to each other, be in the same room, be at, you know, events together, um, those kids fare better than parents who are constantly fighting. And like I said, I don't know your situation. I don't know your circumstances. I don't know the history of everything, but that is sort of what the research shows. And obviously, you can't control what your ex is doing, but you can control how you show up. So you can learn how to be okay being around your ex regardless of what he's doing. This involves putting your ego aside. This involves working through your triggers and reactions and your patterns of what his behavior means about you. So if he's doing something and you're always like, "That's so disrespectful. I feel so disrespected," well, those two, f- like the action and the feeling your experiences or experiencing are not necessarily linked. You've come to a conclusion about what his behavior means, but you can get to a point with your own inner work Where he can act that way without you then, um, internalizing that feeling or that belief about yourself, and I go into how to do this in my conscious co-parenting course. So if you're interested in diving into this further, definitely check out that course, breakingfreewithlindsey.com/coparenting. Um, yeah, like I said, this is one of the most valuable things that you can do for your child is learning to be okay being around your ex. So in line with that is learning how to talk to your ex and working through problems with your ex and being on the same page as much as possible on the bigger issues. The day-to-day stuff doesn't really, really matter, but the more you guys can be on the same page, the better and the easier it's gonna be for that-- for your child. Now, if you cannot get on the same page on certain things, your child can certainly navigate that. It just simply would be easier for them if they didn't have to juggle all the balls and the feelings and the emotions and the reactivity and all of that. If you can get on the same page, if you can talk to your ex, if you can problem solve through things together, that's only gonna benefit your child. Like, there's no downside to that. So this takes being willing to problem solve over being right. This takes validating his feelings, your ex's feelings, and his perspective, and acknowledging that your way is not necessarily the perfect way. There's pros and cons to every way of doing things. Like, life is not black and white, it's gray, especially when it comes to parenting, and being able to acknowledge where your solution is imperfect, that goes a long way to building trust with your ex and really trying to manage like, "Okay, we're gonna go towards this imperfect solution," rather than like, "I believe this is perfect and there's nothing wrong with this." Meanwhile, like you bo-both know, if you're being very, very honest, there's downsides to everything. So you have to be able to put the being right aside, put the ego aside, and really talk through things in a way that's uncomfortable. It's quite frankly uncomfortable, and, you know, we, we I don't feel like we've been taught in our society how to be comfortable in the unknown, and parenting is unknown, and co-parenting, there's a lot more unknowns, there's a lot more moving parts, and we need to be comfortable having these nuanced conversations without knowing the perfect solution and taking steps forward anyway. So the more we can do that with our ex, the better it will be for our child The next thing that we can do to create a supportive environment for our child and to sort of mitigate how we're not messing them up is to be present with your child. And this has become so hard with our like rush, rush, rush, busy, busy, busy, do, do, do mentality where, you know, rushing from work, school, extracurriculars, getting the dinner on the table, bedtime, like all like we're just, we're on our phones, we're distracted. Like rarely are we present with our kids, but this is so essential because it builds connection. It lets our kids know that they have at least one parent that they can trust and come to when they're struggling. So being present is about building that connection with your child, knowing they have a safe place within you. And that is one thing that it doesn't matter what your ex is doing, that is one way that you can show up for your child in a way that helps mitigate all of the, the, the messy stuff about divorce and co-parenting for your child. Now to do this, you wanna like when you're first seeing them like really genuinely connect with them. Slow down. Put your phone down. Don't rush through life. Slow down. Cut things out of your life if you can because which you always can. Slow down. And the number one way that you can make sure you're present with your child is to do your own inner work, to take care of yourself. When we are in an overwhelmed state, we can't be present for our child. We are, we are more reactive, but we're also more scatterbrained. We're just like, "Oh my God, there's this to do, this to do," and we're focused on this and then we've started these five other things and we're just like we have all these unfinished tasks around the house and we're like that is a sign you're in overwhelm. You're not being present. So the more you can take care of yourself, ground into your body and, and really relax , which is so hard for us as women, but a practice skill that you can absolutely learn, the better you're gonna be able to be present with your kids. The reason you're not be able to be present with your kids is you can't be present with yourself. So that's step one is really taking care of yourself and learning to slow down and not just rush through the day. The next thing you can do is really value and appreciate the role that your ex plays in your child's life So he might do things differently than you, but there's value in your child having that contrast, those different perspectives. It's almost like they are being shown how to live life through you and through your ex, and from that, they're gonna take bits and pieces and decide how to live their life. And your ex, you know, there's, there's value in the contrast. There's also value in the different roles between men and women. And even though he doesn't think like you, he doesn't do things like you do, there is still value in his approach. So the more you can appreciate and recognize and value what their dad brings to the table, the better it will be for your kids because you're not gonna be in this like, "Oh, he's doing it wrong," you're criticizing. Like, it's just an added layer of, like, reassurance for yourself, like reflecting on this for yourself, like will relax your body when it comes to dealing with your ex or thinking about your kids being at your ex's house. So the more you can appreciate and value the role he plays, it's different than the role that you play, the better that's gonna be for your kids. Now, like I said, obviously, you cannot control what your ex is doing. You cannot control whether he's doing the inner work to release his own triggers, and patterns, and fears, and all of that. The only thing that you can control is yourself, and you can absolutely control and work through your internal stuff so you can show up with your ex in a way that is very grounded, and centered, and, um, non-reactive, and you can show up for your child in a loving and present way. And that will mitigate all of the risks, not all of the risks, that will mitigate a lot of the risk in terms of, you know, addressing that will you mess up your, your kids or how, like how to mitigate against that. So those are the things that you can control. You can't control your ex, but you can show up. You can, you can be in the same room with your ex regardless of what he's doing and not be triggered by him. And you might not be there now, but you can absolutely get there. So just simply like some internal work and a skill That is it, and that's absolutely something that you can learn. And the more work that you do on yourself, you become a different person, and other people start reacting. So it creates this beautiful ripple effect. So yeah, you can't control your ex, but when you start to change, he'll be forced to change his responses to you and how he shows up around you. So honestly, the most important part of this is doing your own inner work because that's gonna show your kids how to work through their own stuff. It's also gonna change the dynamics of your relationship with your ex, and that is the one thing that you can control. So that is the good news. And yes, it's uncomfortable, and it takes a lot of work, and if you need help with that, definitely check out my conscious co-parenting course, and I will see you next time