Episode 81 - My Ex-Husband's Divorce Advice That Changed How I Think About Co-Parenting

This was surprising - we were sitting in my daughter's hospital room when we got into an animated discussion about divorce and conflict.

What makes a divorce high conflict vs. amicable? This was the topic of debate.

His answer shocked me.

It was succinct and surprisingly accurate.

It basically sums up divorce conflict in 3 words!



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Transcript

Today we’re going to get into divorce advice from my ex-husband!

If you haven’t already, please like, subscribe to this channel so you never miss a new episode about raising kids and healing after divorce.

As I mentioned we’re going to get into my ex’s brain a bit today - obviously you’re hearing this from MY mouth and not his but we have a pretty good relationship and we had one conversation in particular that stands out about how to have a good divorce.

We were sitting in my daughter’s hospital room a few months ago. He had just flown over to Bali for our daughter’s surgery and we were spending FULL days together in the same room. 

I was scrolling on my phone, didn’t have my headphones in - and guys, I consume a lot of divorce related content because of what I do. And he happened to hear a short I was watching. I can’t even remember the exact topic, but it sparked a discussion about the insanity and nastiness of divorce.

I obviously talk to a lot of parents - moms and dads - in my business. My ex and I have friends who have and are going through divorces. And he’s had a number of conversations with friends who’s marriages (and divorces) are going down in flames. We both have.

And we look at how we’ve done things and can’t help but notice a difference.

Now… mental health, drug, addiction issues aside, I think a lot of it boils down to one simple issue, which my ex stated summarized in a simple statement.

A successful divorce and coparenting relationship requires you (and I quote) to “be a grownup.”

Be a grownup.

Stop being petty.
 Stop being childish.
 Stop pointing fingers and being like “she started it”
 Stop retaliating in a tit for tat kind of way.

Be a grownup.

It has been MONTHS since this conversation and these words still stick with me because they are surprisingly simple AND accurate. 

A lot of divorce problems could be solved is BOTH parents were willing to put their big girl pants or big boy pants and be a grownup.

Imagine what this would look like — and I challenge you if you’re going through a contentious divorce right now to consider where in that relationship, negotiation, discussion, process you’re acting like a child.

Because we ALL do at times.

We all slip into the “it’s not fair”, “why me”, “I can’t let him get away with that” mentality.

It’s ALL childish.

When I was teaching positive parenting classes a number of years ago, I had this chart that showed how to decode kids’ behaviour. Because all misbehaviour is a miscommunication which means every time our children act out, they’re telling us something through their behaviour.

And ONE of the indicates to decode their behaviour — and this will surprise you — is how YOU are feeling. What is their behaviour bringing up in you? Because kids do what works, so if you’re in a repeated pattern with your kids, where they’re repeating a behaviour (like saying “I hate you” as an example) it means it’s working for them. 

Which is true for adults as well, but we’ll get there in a sec.

But your reactions and feelings are an indicator, because your child (or your ex) is triggering your inner child.

Where you have childish reactions and you’re not acting like a grownup, that little 5 year old version of you, or the teenage version of you is coming out.

For example, one of the indicators that you’re in a power struggle is if you’re feeling like “you can’t make me” or “Oh no he didn’t” or you want to win. 

AND if you act from those feelings, you’re not acting like a grownup. And it’s impacting your divorce and your coparenting relationship.

AND more importantly, it’s keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns, preventing you from healing, AND it’s probably impacting your children because their parents aren’t acting like grownups. 

This is why learning to recognize your patterns is soooooo important. Because it’s the first step to healing. It’s the first step to moving from childish reactions to responding like a grownup.

ANd I KNOW you don’t want to stay stuck in petty arguments that go no where and cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees. 

But I will say that the childish part of you, that ego side of you that wants to be right and wants to win and wants to makes the other person look bad… that part of you will be strong and loud at times. That part of you won’t always back down without a fight.

It takes conscious awareness to work through this. 

It takes parenting the child within you to quiet this part of you down, to let go of this need to win or be right or look like the better person. 

It’s very possible though.

And it’s really cool when you can start to see the patterns of what’s taking place within your coparenting dynamic, in that relationship with your ex and NOT let it control you. NOT let it trigger you and cause you to be petty and basically hijack your common sense.

It is really empowering to be able to see your OWN patterns, your OWN triggers - to see them clearly and to let them go. Because when you do, you start to realize that you have way more control and power to change the entire dynamic between you and your ex, without needing him to change first.

Because when you change your response, he is forced to change his, because what he’s doing is no longer working. It’s not getting the same reaction from you.

And remember, you’re stuck in a pattern because it’s working for at least one of you. 

So if the pattern isn’t working anymore, it needs to change.

Start to notice your patterns.  Notice what’s going on before, during, and after your arguments. Or what’s going on before, during, and after you get triggered or go into retaliation mode. NOTICE. 

Nothing is powerful. 

Once you get into more of an observer mode, you can start to see what you’re really in without being sucked into the drama. Without spinning for hours or days. 

And this is powerful - when you can be IN it and observe it at the same time. 

This is self-awareness. 

And this is what it takes to break through childish patterns that are keeping you playing a low level game. That are preventing you from having a peaceful relationship with your ex. That are suffocating the light out of your children when they’re witnessing the two people they love most in the world acting in unhealthy ways. 

So be a grownup.

Notice your patterns.

And start to make different choices and choose different responses. 

One step at a time.

And remember I’m here cheering you on every step of the way. And if you need help learning how to do this, DM me on instagram to see if 1:1 coaching is right for you. 

I’ll see you next time.