Episode 82 - I've Taught Boundaries for Years But Just Realized I Wasn't Setting Them

Boundaries can be sneaky. You don't always realize they're being crossed until it's too late.

This is what happened to me in my new relationship.

In this episode, I share the signals to look out for so you recognize when a boundary has been crossed (it's not always obvious!) and the first steps to putting a stronger boundary in place.


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Transcript

I learned a big lesson on boundaries this week in the context of dating. 

As someone who usually has no problems setting boundaries and has taught others how to set boundaries for years and years, this came as a surprise to me. I didn’t see it clearly as a boundary issue.

Before I share what happened, make sure you like and subscribe to this podcast so you never miss a new episode and it also signals to the podcasts Gods that this is a useful channel to recommend to others like you. 

Now, into the juicy details of my love life…

Actually, I’m not going to go into a lot of details out of respect for my partner. I do have some boundaries when it comes to sharing!

But I want to describe to you what was going on in me over the last few weeks because how we are feeling is ALWAYS an indicator of what we need to work through and heal.

I’ve been in a very healthy relationship for the last 6 ish months, but as with any relationships, we do trigger each other at times. We do bring out each other’s insecurities as well. Not because there’s anything in particular that’s wrong, but because relationships of any kind tend to be a vehicle for bringing unhealthy patterns to the surface when they’re ready to heal.

I’m not exactly sure when this started, but I found myself starting to contort myself into what I thought he wanted and needed. 

This wasn’t changing my appearance or acting in a way that wasn’t the real me. It was WAY more subtle than that. 

First, what I noticed in me was uncertainty. I felt confused over seemingly small things like:

• Was he hungry and just not wanting to inconvenience me when I offered to make him food? Or was he really not hungry?
• Was he not messaging me because of the hard talk we had last night? Or was he busy with work?
• Was his comment that “I wish you had messaged me sooner about…” a criticism or simply disappointment that he had just made plans and now couldn’t see me. 

Little things. 

It was a bunch of little things that started to make me feel uncertain when I had previously felt stable and unwavering. I had been good at remaining connected to myself, even when he was being unclear.

When did this change?

I’m not sure the answer to that, BUT what I can tell you is that I slipped into a world of self-doubt, second-guessing myself, and people pleasing. 

I don’t think anything in the relationship actually changed to warrant this. I had simply fallen into an old pattern of trying to anticipate needs, head off any problems, and be vigilant. Which was a pattern that likely served me well at one time, but it was not one I needed right now.

It was making me feel quite shaky and confused in our relationship. Unsettled. Like I couldn’t win. 

I was contorting myself to anticipate needs that a) weren’t clear, and b) my doing this was making thing worse.

I want you to see what this wobbliness in me was a lack of boundaries stemming from the belief that I was responsible for HIS emotions. 

Anytime you fall into people pleasing and trying to anticipate the needs of others or fix problems before they arise or rescue others… these are all examples of boundary issues.

And you recognize boundary issues by the way you feel. 

I know this is hard for a lot of us to grasp, because we want to make boundaries about the other person.

He’s done something to make me feel a certain way, so I need to set a boundary to change the way he behaves so that my boundary isn’t crossed and I feel better.

But boundaries are NOT about changing the other person. 

My wobbliness was MY response to the situation - varying situations.

He could have shown up ANY way, throwing all sorts of crap my way, and had I been in that centred, stable state that I was in earlier in our relationship, it wouldn’t have phased me. 

We could have calmly discussed what was going on if need be, but mostly, I could stay unwavering - like a tree routed firmly in the storm. 

But I was wobbly. I was second-guessing what he wanted, where I stood. I was on shaky ground.

The first step in healing is ALWAYS simple to notice the pattern you’re in. 

Believe it or not, sometimes noticing is enough to heal and move through it.

In this case, it wasn’t. 

But noticing the pattern helped me understand that I was acting as if I was responsible for his feelings and this is fundamentally not true. I’m not responsible for ANYONE else’s emotions but my own. Not even my children, which is sometimes hard to reconcile as a mother. 

I am not responsible for YOUR emotions.
 You are not responsible for MY emotions.

Doesn’t mean you can be a jerk, but it does mean that you’re not responsible when someone else gets triggered AND when someone triggers you, that is YOURS to heal. Not their’s.

In this case, with my boyfriend, I simply had to put it down.

I had weighed myself down trying to please him - and I say that word “please” as a way to call out what was happening but not once did he ever say he was unhappy with the way I was showing up. This was simply something I had taken on because of an old pattern in me.

Now… I also want to say that even if he had told me he was unhappy or wanted me to read between the lines or anticipate his needs THIS STILL WOULD HAVE BEEN MY CHOICE to take this on or not. 

This is where it gets tricky in relationships because there will be times where you CAN change your actions to help your partner feel better. And vice versa. We do not need the “my way or the high way” mentality in any of our relationships. 

But we need to remember that we can control our actions but NOT how the other person perceives them. And we are certainly not responsible for their emotions. They are.

There is a subtle but BIG difference.

When it comes to people pleasing (or trying to anticipate needs) this becomes a special kind of F’d up dynamic because you’re trying to anticipate his needs and compromising yourself to do it. Then if he doesn’t receive that, you get upset because you did it for him. But he didn’t even ask or want this And you’re not sharing what you need because you’re more worried about his needs and then he’s not getting to know the real you. And everything is UNCLEAR.

Put it down.

Put down the weight of feeling like you’re responsible for other people’s emotions. That is not your burden to bare. That is not yours to carry.

Put it down.

Put it down.
 Put it down.

Your job is to show up in alignment with YOU. When you do this, you are steady, you stop doubting yourself. The calmness you will feel inside of you is powerful. 

All you have to do is anchor in to the true essence of you.

And I wish I could give you step by step instructions of how to put it down, but it will be nuanced. 

What I can give you is step by step instructions on how to set effective boundaries, which is available in my boundary course. DM me, comment BOUNDARY, or click the link to grab that course now along with 4 group coaching sessions for dirt cheap while it’s still available.

And as for putting it down, first notice the pattern you’re in. 

The rest is working through how you want to show up vs. your fear or concerns about what will happen if you set a different boundary.

But regardless of what steps you take, the very first clue that you have a boundary issue is in the way you feel. 

Your emotions are an indicator - a signal that something is off. Don’t ignore them. Don’t stuff them down, they’ll just blow up later.

Turn and face your emotions, they are guiding you toward better boundaries. 

One step at a time.

I hope that helps you today. Remember that wherever you are on your healing journey, I am here supporting you and cheering you on. And if you need any help as you go, reach out anytime to see if 1:1 coaching is right for you.

See you next time!